TreatMyFace

October is always associated with candy, costumes, and little kiddies yelling 'TRICK OR TREAT!!!' I never understood this practice known as Trick or Treating. It is just another event to stick into the box of 'Embarrassing and Pointless Exercises of Americans.' I grew up with two Elder Sage Siblings AND parents that ooze practicality. When you grow up surrounded by such competent people you realize that living a life like mine is actually very unique. We never participated in the occult's practices like Santa Claus worship, birthdays, anniversaries, Easter Egg slaughter; YES! Slaughter! What a sport! The children are told to take the Easter bunnies eggs and crack them open to find candy and toys. GOOD HEAVENS! What satanic doctrines are we instilling in our children?!

*Ahem*

Where was I? Oh, yes. Trick or Treating, which is a ritual were the child takes the form of a demon. These forms consist of things like ghosts, zombies, and in-laws. It is quite frightening. Not only do American kiddies participate in this act of horror happily, but are encouraged by their loved ones and neighbors! To make matters worse they hand out candy to these kiddies as they prance around throughout the town. Since when did we start encouraging and rewarding the act of taking the form of a monster? Too bad that doesn't work year around.

"Timmy! You little devil!"

"Huh?... Oh, TRICK OR TREAT!!!!"

"What on Earth are you yelling that for? Go to your room and wait for me.... bent over.... your bed..... Exposed."

"So... No candy?"

                                                                                             ~Mother and misdirected Timmy

I can only recall one time I was coerced by a good friend of mine to accompany him on his conquest to pillage and loot the countryside. I, being a spawn of the Divine, couldn't have possibly accepted his invitation, obviously. But with his insistent nagging and threats which involved blood and sharp objects I just couldn't refuse. I decided to take the form of a sorcerer that wore a red dress... Because logic was thrown out the window once I conceded to the enemy. But when I thought about it I began to justify my actions. After all, the people I would be pillaging were the same people who endorsed this treasonous act known as Trick or Treating. 

When night fell upon the islands we started our Holy Crusade. During our time we journeyed through various streets going door to door yelling that satanical phrase to every adult we ran into. Some of the candy-givers even asked me what I was dressed as. Regretfully, the light from the glorious sun was slowly fading and I looked like a chubby girl wearing a red dress (Being that I was only nine and had yet to enter the first stages of puberty). I may have been mocked, scorned, and teased, but I proudly stood in front of every person who dared to ask and proclaimed that I was, indeed, a sorcerer that had sided with the Roman Church.

"Since I was in the era just before the Protestant Reformation the only way of proving my faith to most people in Europe during the 1400's was to claim allegiance with the Roman Catholic church. I was a young boy who had a humble beginning with his parents in a little farm in Bulgaria. On my 14th birthday I was taught in the ways of the Dark Arts, but was then shown the Light during my pilgram-"

"UM! Here is your candy. Sorry I asked."

   ~Aleksandar "The Holy Darkness" (aka Missingnomer) and "Satan Worshiper #12" (aka Halloween enthusiast #12)

Aleksandar "The Holy Darkness"

While we pulled on with our laborious task of walking door to door like Jehovah Witnesses that had a wardrobe malfunction, we crossed paths with numerous other kiddies that adorned costumes ranging from freaky masks to cardboard boxes to white sheets with holes in them. I vow sanity after 8 years since that moment, but as we partook in that savagery I thought everyone around me was insane, including me. Music as loud as sirens roared throughout the neighborhood along with ghastly screams from girls (there were probably boys screaming too, but who can tell the difference when you genuinely scream?). But as the night came to a close we decided to do a tactical retreat and parted ways. I adjourned home with loot in hand and basked in my diabetic bounty. But it was all for naught. After my successful pillage, I was, in turn, pillaged by my family. All of my spoils of war went into the bellies of the unworthy. 

Trick or Treat? More like pillage or be pillaged.

May this be a lesson to the children, but also a heart-warming account for those who have been spared from the treacheries that accompany the tail of October. Trick or Treating is just another thing we Americans thought up to keep the kiddies entertained and a means to get rid of the extra candy laying on the shelves. You aren't missing out on anything. Unless you truly wish to dress up as one of your in-laws, which is an understandable and frightening desire.