ThatMomentWhenYouRealizeYouAreOnlyNineteen

So the Elder Sage Siblings sat there with each other and posed an interesting question directed towards me,

"Was this the first time you were apart from mom and dad for this long?"

Two weeks? A measly two weeks away from my parents? My mind tried to think about the last time I spent more time away from them. I don't think I ever had for more than two or three days.

Holy crap.

Plus, I did this venture with my Elder Sage Siblings. The solo endeavors have yet to happen for me. I feel so young and inexperienced. It wasn't only that. The last two weeks I spent in the Homeland were eye-opening. Every day seemed to open a new door into my soul. I learned a lot about myself and my Dearly Beloved; what makes me and them who we are. You know? What makes me tick and ticked. What makes them smile and frown.

The dynamics of human relationships, well, at least with the Dearly Beloved, are becoming clearer. What I love in people, what I dislike in people, and even learning how I respond to others' actions. Not only was the trip fun to immeasurable levels, but it was emotionally and spiritually educational. Intimidation was something I never even expected. Thankfully, the intimidation was of the healthy variant. It caught me by the shoulders and told me to focus on my own person. One major thing I walked away with from these two weeks was the fact that I have so many areas in my life that need growth and improvement. At first, I ignored my faults and tried to focus on the external errors of others. It is such a twisted and arrogant way of going about things. Pointing fingers and trying to find the problem outside of yourself probably isn't the best place to start. Looking deep within myself and being honest to my own mind has been a serious task. I am getting the hang of it.

Dear Readers, the last two weeks shall never be forgotten. Those are days I will hold onto for the rest of my life. You know there are times in your life you can look back to and say, "those days and experiences define me." The last two weeks were more than that. Those two weeks gave me a little piece of myself that will make me into the vessel of God's Will. I only wish I could have spent more quality time with my Dearly Beloved. Talking about what is happening now and what we hope happens in the future.

You know there is something special when you can spend hours talking and being busy with each other and activities, but you know you have something Divinely inspired when you can spend hours together in silence.

AreWeAllRight?

I often pause to think about my future. It must be common for other people my age to do the same. Doing so forces us to examine our lives. Am I doing the right thing? Am I wasting my time....again? For my own life, I honestly believe this is my only plausible course of action. If I have learned anything over the last few years is that a good education will never be a waste of time. The safest choice is college, for sure. But do I want safe? Or do I want more? My fantastical side sure does, but my practical side wins. It always does. I am boring that way.

Alright, another semester is officially over. Happy? Very. Satisfied? Never. Joyful for the future? Is that a trick question?

Two years since I started. TWO YEARS. I cannot believe I have been doing this for that long. The sad part of this journey is that it only gets harder from here on out. All the easy classes are gone....

This semester was the toughest one yet. One challenge after another. I am glad the towel was not thrown by own hands. It was an easy out to just drop physics, but I kept with it. Am I going to give God credit? Of course, the very fact I am breathing is because He wills it. However, I didn't ask Him for help this semester. I can only recall a couple of times I cried out in prayer. Other than that? I was silent. I pushed off the Kingdom this semester. Regrets? None. Well, I have to be honest with myself. I feel so numb to the Spirit. No doubt because I didn't pray, read the Word, or attend any church-like service for over four months. The fact that someone can become so sensitive and yet so numb to the Spirit can only display the complete hopelessness we all find ourselves in. We're a fickle bunch, humans.

I barely spent time with other people. I figured getting that God-like A would make up for it. Eh, staring at them doesn't make me feel all that great. Besides, I got my first B. Does it sting?

More than when I sin.

Yet I suck it up and tell myself it isn't my grades that define me, but God alone. Yet I have put aside the One who does define me. What does that mean? To ignore your identity for four months? You lose who you are and forget. Now I have to remember. What is it like to be truly happy? What is it like to enjoy the fullest of all satisfactions on this Earth? I have to submit once again. Thankfully, He is waiting. Thankfully, I am willing.

One day may come when I don't want to. Really? Maybe. But I doubt it. And I pray that day never comes. I need fellowship. Doing this by yourself sucks. It sucks a lot.

Let's get away from that gloomy topic and talk about the Summer. Ah, a whole three months of glory. I think. The trip back to the Home Land is definitely welcome. So many people are waiting for me.....You guys are waiting for me right? Eh, but when it ends what will be left? I am actually going to try to find a job this Summer. I suppose it was inevitable. I have to start working sometime in the future. I just don't want to do it anytime in the near future. Well, we all want things we are never going to get. Like a real life waifu, or a body pillow of Trump.

To recap this semester, I learned that I am not the smartest person I know. I actually have the privilege to say I am the dumbest person I know. Pride sets in a very dark corner of your heart. So dark that you don't even know you have it until something shines bright enough to reveal it. Before you know it, you start feeling entitled to success. The fault doesn't lie with myself, right? Wrong. How can you blame someone else and call yourself a child of the Most High? There are some lines I can never cross. Everyone has them. Whether it be sobriety, celibacy, cleanliness, or success. I just can't bring myself to blame someone other than myself. Sure, the professor was terrible, but that doesn't mean it wasn't my fault. I took it too far and I let the hatred seep in the back of my head. I need to let go and forgive. Blaming and pointing fingers doesn't solve anything. When you think about it, if the only thing in life giving you a hard time is a pesky professor, you aren't doing so bad.

Entitled. That is starting to become my most hated word in human speech.

Summer. It should be the happiest time of my life. It should be. Let's make it so! I hope everyone had a great semester. I know I didn't, but it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. All I can do is learn and avoid. I am bad at both, but hey, it sounded good when I typed it.