StillnessInTheRain

Winter does exist! I have observed the falling of still rain. Mhm. It was quite nice. So calm and cold. It was a great experience. The snow was a bit dry so there was no way to mold it into any shape of desire. Just being in the midst of a snowfall warmed my heart. I want to experience it again. I hope I do soon.

For the past few months I haven't been praying that much. I will be honest, I just forget. It doesn't even cross my mind. Is that school or me? Either answer points towards me anyways. Prayer is not on my list of things to do everyday. It should be. Strange how I feel naught wrong with my spirit. Is it dead? Good Lord.

I heard a teaching one time. Basically the pastor said that the Holy Spirit will simply give up when we neglect Him for too long. You think the Spirit has simply given up on me? Not in the sense of His faithfulness and love, but regarding the pleas for obedience and due supplication. Back when I was a tween I always felt "guilty" whenever I realized I had forgotten to pray over a meal. Now I just dig in without a second thought. Would that be classified as backsliding? Simple negligence in the Spirit sounds dire. I mean, we are supposed to live in the Spirit at all times. Sure, we don't. But the realigning myself with Him has been a shaky proposition  in itself. I love Jesus. I still think about what He did and is doing for me every single day. However, prayer is currently taking a seat in the back. When was the last time I really prayed? Well, now that I think about it, I did pray earnestly last week during the early morning drive to school. I suppose prayer is still a part of my life, but not a daily exercise.

Perhaps this negligence stems from my desire to cling to the physical. Video games, school work, and maybe a dash of sin? How about a lot of sin. Isn't sin just putting something above God? Pretty much everything has been put in front of Him these past few months. Maybe the habit of silence I have developed among my family has crept into my Spiritual rituals. Silence has been a dominating trait since this semester has started. It is just hard to speak with the family about anything. I don't really have "problems," you know? It is just the worry over an occasional test. I don't have any relational issues, no stories worth telling (maybe they are?), and no real social life to divulge to my family. A sign to pick up some crazy friends?

What do you talk about with your family? I feel as though I have exhausted every topic there is to discuss. Politics, science, relationships, marriage, children, parenting, friendships, sin, Jesus, theology, heck even crazy philosophical issues that have no relevance to life.

The root of my spiritual stagnation is self-inflicted to state the obvious. Be it reading the bible, praying, or even talking to others about God, all have been stationed in the secondary box. Christianity DOES revolve around those things. Does that mean I have been neglecting my faith? Yes and no. My beliefs infect every aspect of my being. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my faith and Christ's love for me. But it has to go further than a recognition. There should be a discourse between us. One that isn't sporadic and based on how I feel.

Focusing on my shortcomings instead of the relationship still gets me. Every Christian struggles with something so we shouldn't be surprised when we find ourselves indulging in our sinful desires, but the thought is still repulsive. Condemnation is not of God so what I feel is something I shouldn't feel. I am perfect through Him. Does that make my present and future sins irrelevant? Precisely. Sinful actions are temperate and minuscule to the power of God. Out spirits are eternal and sinless. Then what is the point of GROWING and KNOWING who you are in Christ? Do we not have eternity to find out? The person we are now, this physical person, is linear and momentary. It seems that placing my attention towards my own personal growth as a believer is pointless compared to evangelizing the lost.

It should be a balance of outward faith and inner faith, no doubt. But I believe our witness takes precedence over our individual walks. Finding out who we are in Christ comes from seeing the brokenness of humanity and the redemption we have received. If one were to seclude their person and focus on their walk with God would they not upset the Father? Living a life of purity and holiness is worthless when it is not shared with others.

Shining a bright light towards the sun is utterly ridiculous. Take that blasted light and shine it in the darkness while your hear still beats!

PeggedNotWithstanding

College has begun yet again. The cycle refreshes with a new set of professors, classmates, and study materials. It is actually been pretty fun. Psychology is enjoyable, history is a walk in the park, and even P.E. gives me a good sweat. It is just my comp and math class that give me some cause for worry. No matter how easy things get writing a paper and studying still take effort. Thankfully a three day weekend greets me at the end. Appreciating my free time is nice. Having too much of one thing places your mind in a state of content. With a tight schedule comes a tight respect for the small things in life.

It has been over two years since my last serious illness and I thought it would go on for a few more, but I should have known better. A public environment, such as college, is bound to swipe its infectious claws across this gorgeous face. I had a terrible sore throat and general numbed weakness for a few days. The worst part was that it was right in the middle of the week. So I had to attend classes while enduring this annoying sickness. I managed, but I am still getting over the mucus and snot that seems to accompany the tail end of all my recent illnesses. In some ways it is worse then the former problem. Stuffed sinuses just suck.

Meeting new faces and pretending to be happy are not on my top 10 favorite things to do. But I am actually surprised with how smooth things have been going so far. I could just be enjoying the first easy month of school before I am smacked with the hard hitting work, but I think things are going to stay this way till the summer. Ah, the summer, how beautiful you look through this Spring stained window.

Even though my life is filled with people and study I still find myself sitting with a blank expression. Can't put my finger on it, really. Sort of like a puzzle piece that I lost somewhere down the road. School is just so....Monotonous. The prospects of getting a job this summer sounds exciting though. Getting paid for my time doesn't sound so bad. I could definitely use the money. But all I really want are video games and expensive gadgets. Who cares about that stuff? All it does is kill time in the most entertaining ways.

I am supposed to keep a journal during this semester for my comp class, so I was wondering if I could use this blog for that purpose? I suppose it fulfills the criteria, but do I want my professor to see this blog with all its anime nonsense? It would make a fantastic journal, I must say. I'll just email him the link and he can tell me yes or no. Either way I shall continue with my volumes for as long as my fingers and this blasted keyboard take me.

The prospects of visiting my beloved homeland seem like a dream. I will return, but when? This year seems too soon, but next year seems too late. I suppose the longer the better. Money, time, and coordination are three luxuries most people in America don't, but should have. I don't regret. I simply await for the right time to present itself.

Who knows what is going to happen in the next month, but I can rule out three things: 1. No girlfriend, 2. No Wii U, and 3. No girlfriend and Wii U.

Wait...Typing out "no girlfriend and Wii U" is like saying "no food and food."

Am I just being a fool spending my time playing video games? Sure, it is fun and a good way to pass the time, but maybe I should incorporate other things to pass my time. Reading a book? I figure that since I love stories in video games and shows then books probably contain the most fascinating of all stories. After all, video games and movies are often based off of books. I should probably start reading the good stuff before I make this 'never reading a book' a habit.

LetBygonesBe...WhatIsABygone?

It has only been two weeks since the new year has begun. However, that doesn't stop the carnage. Wanna know what happened? Sure you do. Why else would you be reading this uncensored love letter? And on we go into the 6th volume of my beloved book.

Today marked a day that I shall never forget. The stressed tears, the boiling blood, and my depressed spirit fluttering and dimming into a glow of peace. It started with the vain attempts of catching up on shut eye while the mid-morning hours ticked away. I was trying my utmost to hold onto the precious few hours I had before I would have to yank myself out of my warm paradise under the sheets. This day: January 14, 2015 was the day of my driver test. Yes, indeed. That awful test that every blessed person under the sun must undergo if they wish to legally practice the operation of passenger vehicles. Pffft, legal. I am not of this world!

I practiced everyday during the week leading up to this day. I told myself I was going to ace this test without a single hiccup. No sir. This shall be a single attempt man going forth to the DMV!

Little did I know that I wouldn't even be able to take the test...

Yeah...all that adrenaline. All that stress. All the practicing. I was relived of it in one quick sentence. No insurance card. Unfortunately, we had the incorrect insurance card for the car I was using to take the test. It was for my Elder Sage's car....

Long story short? I didn't even attempt the test today. Mhm. Two and a half months of waiting. $36. Deleted. Paper work? Rewrite! Now I wait for March 20th which is the soonest I could reschedule. Heh. Life in the city is everything they said it would be! Lines! Lines and lines of people mindlessly waiting for their moment to get shot down. OH SO GLORIOUS!

I don't blame anyone. I am not mad at anyone. It is that kind of situation that doesn't need someone to blame. Life sometimes gives you bananas. Wait, I like bananas. Life sometimes gives you.....okra. And when it does? You give it the finger and burn it with the fires from hell.

In all seriousness. Today was a bad day. I have not experienced one in a long time. I suppose this is one way to kick off the new year. Icing on the cake? School starts on Tuesday! Excellent!

I wasn't the only who had a rough time today either. It seems that my Elder Sage Sibling had a bad time at her first day at the new job. Who would have guessed? (I actually called it when she submitted the application)

But I am not going to tell her that! We have a Ben Howard concert to attend tomorrow! How do you do a "boo" emote for these kinds of situations? Ah, this is probably what they call a "writer's block."

The story isn't over yet. Somehow in situations like this it always comes back to Him. My family started going to a Wednesday night meeting at the church that started last week. You could imagine what was going through my dim head. I had no desire to attend at all. I wanted to do anything but go their tonight. But I went. And, duh, I loved it. The Wednesday night studies are about prayer. Reevaluating our prayer to God and how we have to treat prayer as New Testament saints. It sounds odd, but it makes good sense. It touched me as it did last week. I really needed to hear God's Word. It just does something to my soul. When we came back home I just felt good. Thus here I am writing this post to start off the next volume.

Things never turn out how we want them. There will be some of the kicking, a little bit of the screaming. But when the noise settles down the light starts to poke its way back into your life. Then you realize that school starts next week. Ahaha. you realize that life isn't about passing driver tests or getting straight A's. Life is about Him. Since the day you gave your life over to Him you started your eternal relationship. How about focusing on the eternal once in a while? Sounds dumb, right? Of course we should focus on things that are eternal. Do it then, Dear Reader. Cause I probably wont.

Oh, and I am going to be leading the discussion group in my college ministry. Can someone say "Please kill me?" Oh snap. I probably shouldn't say that stuff. I might get found out by a fellow leader. How did I become a leader again!?!? It is not that I don't want to do it. It is just that I don't want to do it.