It seemed like such a long time: three months. When the first day of 90 begins, you always get that feeling of 'yeah, this is going to last forever!' Oh, but it doesn't. There is an end for every great ride.
This Summer would take pages to summarize. Who want's to read that, right? I kind of do, but I also kind of have to type it out sooo nope. August is that last precious month before another semester rears its ugly head. This August is no different, yet the ugly head doesn't look as ugly as last year. I spent a week of my Summer visiting my Eldest Sage Sibling (did I get that right?) accompanied with my Elder Sage Sibling. Do I need to expound on this eventful week? Here, let's recap detail-free:
Two quick plane rides to Idaho with one including an infernal demon baby with a scream of a dog-sized bat. Finally laying eyes on my Eldest Sage Sibling's living quarters was quite the experience. It wasn't nice but it wasn't particularly ugly. Everything seemed to be fine. We didn't have much time to dwell there anyways since we immediately headed towards the main objective of the trip: Yellowstone National Park. Was it nice? Yeah. Pretty? Oh, the landscapes were painted by God Himself, so why wouldn't they be? Apparently, wildlife is a thing, so both of the Sage Siblings were constantly reminding me the importance of loud noises and crumb-less meals. Overall, the entire camping trip of three nights was pure joy. Sure, the back-breaking hikes (sponsored by the Eldest Sage) were strenuous, but the memories are priceless. No animal attacks, no fatalities, no injuries, and numerous photos and videos. So I rate this 10/10 would rather go to a city next time.
Only a couple of weeks remain between me an abyss of papers and tests. Ahhh, the joy of being a first world child! The thinking process starts in fear and ends with content. I can do this. I already did it twice. Nothing but myself can prevent me from doing my best, right? I'll take it head on. After all, what else is there to do?
Last year during this time I was the definition of a cynic. I didn't want to go to college for the sole reason of my thinking it was pointless. We only have 70 or 80 years of life (if you don't get hit by a twinkie truck). What's the point of wasting 4 (maybe even more) of those years studying things that will all be worthless when I die? I mean, when I die what will I take with me? My knowledge? The papers I wrote? That pointless piece of paper sasying "You Did It, Missingnomer. You Spent $$$ For Me! Love ME!" No, thank you. I'd rather live meagerly until the day I die. No point in gaining earthly riches, amirite?
BUT THEN!!!
I found out that the education wasn't even the point. Sure, it is the reason for everyone going to college. But I got something way better than knowledge. I grew in the spirit. Since I joined that little, humble College Ministry (at the time it was only called that), I transformed. My cynical side has been greatly reduced. My spirit has flourished in such a short amount of time. There is still so much room to grow! I could go on, but you kind of get the idea. Life is slowly beginning to unravel and I am enjoying every minute of it.
The new semester is going to introduce a lot of new experiences, I am sure. The last two were packed with them. My future is still so blurry. I am still not sure if I want to major in Computer Engineering. I don't particularly like math, but I don't mind it too much. I was talking with a fellow leader in BSM (Baptist Student Ministry, apparently we are official now) and we were talking about grades and such. It is so hard to balance the personal effort and the blessings of God. How much of it is mine to revel in? None of it. It is all His. So what if I get a B? Did God only want me to get a B? The conversation was interesting and made me confused. He said that whenever he begins a class he tells himself that God already gave him the A, now he just has to reach out and take it. I suppose that is the best way to understand how that whole dynamic works. The thing that stuck out to me during the whole dialogue was when he said that we have the Holy Spirit. The Spirit has full understanding and complete wisdom over everything. If that same Spirit lives within me, then shouldn't I ask Him to bless me with the understanding for math? Or how to write college-level papers? My spirit is blessed with the presence of the Almighty. All I have to do is call upon him for guidance, understanding, wisdom, and patience for all my school studies. I have to ask and rely upon Him if I hope to attain what He has already given me. So, at the end of the day, my works are fruits of His perfection. When I think about that, I tend to get a little emotional, you know? Like a little female dog.
Showing posts with label Volume VII. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Volume VII. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Sunday, July 12, 2015
TheCrushingWeightOfBlessing
I told my sister as I slowly ease into maturity, I am realizing how immature I really am. Responsibilities that every person has to have to simply operate in this modern world are no existent to my life. Laundry, cooking (most of the time), working, and simple house cleaning are all taken care of by my loving parents (oh, and let's not forget my sister). Remember how I said I was going to get a job this Summer? Well, that seemed like a good idea at the time. It still is! Somewhere deep inside, my mind is telling me that getting a job will forever change my life. It will open a whole new door that has never been touched before. It is another faculty of life that I must experience if I wish to survive. Once I open that door, nothing will look the same.
July is the month of fatigue. Yes, I have fatigued on laziness many times before. This is no different. I knew this feeling would hit me sooner or later (usually in July). It always does whenever I have a long break from school. My siblings talk about spending their time productively and how they base their days off of the productive activity they indulged in during the waking hours. For me? I actually count the hours of laziness I waste away in a day to measure how well it went. Summer is the season of amazing days. Every year this feeling of joy diminishes bit by bit. Maturity is a nasty thing. At least that is what my kid-self is yelling in my head. The mature-self (is that what I should call it?) is pointing at the thing I should be doing whenever I twiddle my fingers and stare at a screen doing nothing. Yes, there are a few things I should dedicate time to, but it is just so much easier to watch a TV show or play a game. I have been getting better, though. Maybe I should tell you a little bit about that.
For the past few weeks I have been getting more and more involved in the College Ministry. The ministry has grown a lot over the last year. Watching and observing the hand of God working in this ministry has been a life-changing experience. The people around me have started to become friends. Last year, when I was stressing over applying to college, I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends in this new land of Texas. Yet, here I am with a huge group of fellow believers that all consider me a friend; a brother in Christ. My desire for friendship has been fulfilled in a way I never could have imagined. I remember praying for just one good friend. I got about a dozen, now. Sure, I don't know them all that well. But I am starting to realize that I don't need to know every single friend as well as I use to. The only friends I ever had were few and far between back in Hawaii. I felt like I needed to be super close and intimate with all of my friends. Nah, intimacy is something that can only be achieved with a few people in one lifetime. Friends are people I should feel free to share problems, ideas, and life with. Everyone in the College ministry are people I can comfortably communicate to about things concerning faith, school, and relationships. What else is there in life?
In the last month, I have tried to bring the people under the ministry closer together with movie nights. I want our members to be good friends with one another. Iron sharpeneth iron, right? Also, I really do want to be good friends with everyone since they are all wonderful people of God. Thankfully, the events have been successful. Being a part of a big group of friends is a surreal experience. Drama is apparently a thing, even if all of the people in the group are fellow believers. Sheesh!
The future of the College Ministry is blindingly bright. I can only see it growing while each member grows in the faith. We are all young believers with a lot of room for spiritual growth. God has placed us in this ministry because it is where we are supposed to be. I hope and pray that every member feels the same.
This July 4th marked the beginning of my last year as a teenager. It is unnerving and exciting. My first year of college is over, I am part of a thriving ministry, and I am only growing. The blessings present in my life are mind-numbing. I have no worries or unmet needs. What should I do with myself? I have a few more years left of schooling, so I can't do what I want to do right now. All I can do is dedicate my time to studies, help my friends grow in their faith, and share the gospel in any way I can. Once I graduate, I want to sacrifice my life for God. God want's me to sacrifice my life for others: my parents, siblings, friends, and, most importantly, my future family. Er, I have been thinking about that last one more and more as the days go on...
Ack! There is simply too much time between now and then to even waste time thinking about such things. My mind has been bloated with thoughts about how I should study the Bible for a Bible study I wish to lead in the near future. I have never lead a Bible study before. After watching my peers lead a few, I feel more confident about the idea of doing it. It is weird, but during a particular Bible study our leader had to lead it. Time for preparation was short, but at the end of the night I felt like it was the most, if not the best Bible study we had yet. The Spirit leads, not the person. Those words are starting to mean something to me.
July is the month of fatigue. Yes, I have fatigued on laziness many times before. This is no different. I knew this feeling would hit me sooner or later (usually in July). It always does whenever I have a long break from school. My siblings talk about spending their time productively and how they base their days off of the productive activity they indulged in during the waking hours. For me? I actually count the hours of laziness I waste away in a day to measure how well it went. Summer is the season of amazing days. Every year this feeling of joy diminishes bit by bit. Maturity is a nasty thing. At least that is what my kid-self is yelling in my head. The mature-self (is that what I should call it?) is pointing at the thing I should be doing whenever I twiddle my fingers and stare at a screen doing nothing. Yes, there are a few things I should dedicate time to, but it is just so much easier to watch a TV show or play a game. I have been getting better, though. Maybe I should tell you a little bit about that.
For the past few weeks I have been getting more and more involved in the College Ministry. The ministry has grown a lot over the last year. Watching and observing the hand of God working in this ministry has been a life-changing experience. The people around me have started to become friends. Last year, when I was stressing over applying to college, I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends in this new land of Texas. Yet, here I am with a huge group of fellow believers that all consider me a friend; a brother in Christ. My desire for friendship has been fulfilled in a way I never could have imagined. I remember praying for just one good friend. I got about a dozen, now. Sure, I don't know them all that well. But I am starting to realize that I don't need to know every single friend as well as I use to. The only friends I ever had were few and far between back in Hawaii. I felt like I needed to be super close and intimate with all of my friends. Nah, intimacy is something that can only be achieved with a few people in one lifetime. Friends are people I should feel free to share problems, ideas, and life with. Everyone in the College ministry are people I can comfortably communicate to about things concerning faith, school, and relationships. What else is there in life?
In the last month, I have tried to bring the people under the ministry closer together with movie nights. I want our members to be good friends with one another. Iron sharpeneth iron, right? Also, I really do want to be good friends with everyone since they are all wonderful people of God. Thankfully, the events have been successful. Being a part of a big group of friends is a surreal experience. Drama is apparently a thing, even if all of the people in the group are fellow believers. Sheesh!
The future of the College Ministry is blindingly bright. I can only see it growing while each member grows in the faith. We are all young believers with a lot of room for spiritual growth. God has placed us in this ministry because it is where we are supposed to be. I hope and pray that every member feels the same.
This July 4th marked the beginning of my last year as a teenager. It is unnerving and exciting. My first year of college is over, I am part of a thriving ministry, and I am only growing. The blessings present in my life are mind-numbing. I have no worries or unmet needs. What should I do with myself? I have a few more years left of schooling, so I can't do what I want to do right now. All I can do is dedicate my time to studies, help my friends grow in their faith, and share the gospel in any way I can. Once I graduate, I want to sacrifice my life for God. God want's me to sacrifice my life for others: my parents, siblings, friends, and, most importantly, my future family. Er, I have been thinking about that last one more and more as the days go on...
Ack! There is simply too much time between now and then to even waste time thinking about such things. My mind has been bloated with thoughts about how I should study the Bible for a Bible study I wish to lead in the near future. I have never lead a Bible study before. After watching my peers lead a few, I feel more confident about the idea of doing it. It is weird, but during a particular Bible study our leader had to lead it. Time for preparation was short, but at the end of the night I felt like it was the most, if not the best Bible study we had yet. The Spirit leads, not the person. Those words are starting to mean something to me.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
StopLyingTo[Myself]
WARNING: This post is filled with anime analysis, so if you don't watch anime or know anything about otaku* culture then you might not understand everything I bring up in this post, my apologies
The irrepressible desire to warm one's own heart. Whether it be desires or hobbies, it all somehow finds it way back to companionship; relationships. As time slowly churns throughout life, no person can truly admit satisfaction without the proper relationships. Humans are designed to desire one another. Each person approaches this desire in different ways, but the ultimate goal remains the same: companionship. The more I expose myself to media, daily life, and simple observation, the more I realize that my entire focus is to bond with other people. The odd thing is that this is good. However, the good seems to vanish very quickly when I start to examine the fine print. The motives behind my desire for interpersonal relationships are selfish, to say the least. Reaching out to others is just a way to confirm existence and through that confirmation gain worth. Imagining my current life apart from others results in a painful headache. Although my life is about eighteen years and eleven and one-half months old, everything leading up to the present has been a pathetic attempt to gain credibility as a human being. The success rate has fluctuated consistently.
Most of my worries and concerns stem from the fact that I don't have consistent friendships among a diverse group of people. It all started with anime and puberty. Oh, and let's not forget the beginning of my homeschooling life. Over-exposure to unrealistic depictions of teenage life (anime), extraction of daily peer interaction (public school), and larva mode (puberty) all came at the worse time possible; the same time. As my mind was being jumbled by hormones, I developed Chuunibyou**. It wasn't anything extreme, eh, now that I sit hear typing away...it was an extreme case in a way. The first few years of homeschooling life was filled with nothing but crazy daydreams about fantasy and "what if" scenarios. "What if a girl all of a sudden fell for me? How would that play out?" At the time, anime and my own personal experience (experience = 0) were all I had to build the outside world. Making friends, how people react to situations, daily life, and even romance, it was all based off of preconceived ideas of a 12 year old reinforced by the onslaught of otaku pandering. Ah! What a tragedy!
I lived a life of arrogant ignorance till I started to mature into the latter years of adolescence. Re-examining my life during that time causes me to blush. How on earth could I have been foolish enough to have believed those obvious lies? Anime is supposed to be unrealistic and exciting. My life wasn't exciting (no one would argue that point) so I felt inadequate. Was I missing out on my youth? I felt like the homeschool life was sapping away my precious experiences. Making tons of new friends, having fun doing fun things, and even encountering the opposite sex were all foreign concepts. The only window into that world I peered through was stained with globs of moe*** lies, but at the the time I believed them to be true. I thought that a regular student should have at least 3-10 friends and have about 1-3 romantic prospects. Forget those lame expectations. Anime damaged my thought process when it came to people and social situations in general. It is hard to explain since I am not a great writer, but it made me think about people in an ungodly way. I thought friends were necessary for a fulfilled and happy life. I thought romance was painful, unpredictable, and wavering. All lies.
Friendship is not the culmination of life. It is a gift we share with one another. Living a life for friendships is simply not right. Anime always told me to discard everything in the name of friendship. The way friendships were so highly regarded in anime made me place it on a pedestal it didn't deserve. Yes, friendships are supremely important for a healthy social life, but it would be incorrect to strive towards friendship as a reason to live. Many animes even went so far as to say a life without friends is worthless. Although I may sound like I am downplaying friendships, please realize what I am trying to say. Friendships are amazing things to have, and we should always cherish them for as long as possible, but it is not necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. It would be very difficult to strive for a satisfactory life void of friendship, but if someone did find themselves struggling to find a decent friend they shouldn't quit on life. Friendships are something that must be earned through hard work and kindness. It isn't some trophy to display to gain some sort of worth. Real friends are few in number. I don't know many people who have more than two or three close friends, yet I somehow base my happiness off of how many people I have talked to and hung out with during the week. If I spent most of my time by myself, I was supposedly wasting my time. Perhaps I was. Anime told me what friends are and how essential they are to life. It had a few encouraging things to say about friendships, not all of it was bad. But the overall message was still false. In the end, I realized that real friends are there for support. Not for fun. Fun is just an added bonus to the friendship. It is okay to have only one or two (or even none) good friends in a lifetime. Everyone has or had a friendship(s) sometime in their life. How did they treat it? What was it to them? I answered these questions by anime standards. I always treated the few friends I had with overwhelming love and devotion. When a friendship ended, I was devastated. During my homeschooling years, I had virtually zero friends which caused me to hate my life. Friendships are everything, right? Wrong. They are important, but they aren't everything.
Anime didn't just distort my view on friendships, but the way a boy should perceive a girl. Many (all?) anime shows portray women as beautiful sexual objects for men or at least depict beautiful girls in dire need for the main character to save them from some dire circumstance. Notice how I describe them as beautiful? Ugly girls don't exist in anime. As a pubescent teen, I was bombarded with female characters with "ideal" body features that every boy dreams about. Big boobs, perfect curves, perfect skin, perfect smile, everything about female anime characters scream plastic surgery. My view on women was fake and unrealistic, to say the least. Whenever I looked at a girl I always compared her to some anime girl. Do they ever measure up to my anime standards? Never. Because they are fake. It was either perfection or nothing. It wasn't just the unrealistic bodies. The personality of the girl has to be juuust like the girls in anime: always drooling over the main character, falling for him as soon as he helped them weed a garden (not even joking about that one), helpless and hopeless without a male presence. Yeah, like a chick is going to fall for me if I tell them they look pretty (quite the opposite, actually). Presently, I know better than to think of women as mere objects or helpless damsels in distress. They are human beings who are created and loved by the same Maker who made me. Let's just not forget how easily a young boy's mind can be corrupted by puberty-driven character design.
Romantic relationships are an entirely different can of worms. Anime has taught me two terrible things concerning romance: 1) women will fall in love with you if you do particular things, and 2) romantic relationships reach their climax after each person reciprocates their feelings for one another. In other words, the relationship will end in success after they become a couple. There is nothing wrong with a good romcom now and again. It is fine to have shallow relationships and character development in film (look at me getting into proper film making again), but it is not fine when you start to adopt these ideals for your own life. Dear Reader, you must realize that I have watched dozens of animes that portray these deceitful one-dimensional relationships. I have come to the realization that women don't think that way. 99.99% (.....errr, maybe more like 90%) of women will not fall in love with me if I give them some kindness and attention. Women aren't shallow, one-dimensional creatures. Romantic relationships aren't just about the physical. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that romantic relationships are purely based on the emotional level. One could argue for a spiritual side, and you would be correct. But a relationship between a man and women can only work if they are both emotionally compatible and physically attracted to one another. Romantic relationships aren't based purely on how spiritually in-sync two people happen to be.
The last, but probably most damaging, affect anime has had on me as a growing boy would have to be how anime portrays men. Stoic, muscular, a strong sense of justice, and overwhelming compassion. Sure, those are great adjectives for a great man. Again, bring this back to reality. No man is like that... All men are sinners and strive for themselves, not others. It was good to admire the men of anime as role models, but remember, I took these standards as general standards of life. Deceit and selfishness are very real things that every man will fight against. Lust is an attribute that every dude in anime has. I knew since day one of puberty that men crave a women's body, but anime told me to embrace that lust, not rule it. So I allowed my lust to consume my mind. Lust is a part of life, there is no escaping it. But willingly feeding it is not what the Maker desires. To feed lust is to feed my sinful nature. I must die to that lust daily. Ah, so manly and holy. Let's be honest, Dear Readers. You and I both lose to our vices, daily. Doesn't that make the Savior all the more beautiful? Another post for another time!
I bring up this topic because I find myself slinking back into this old mindset. Thankfully, I am wise enough to catch myself before it is too late. Now that I am fully enjoying Summer, my homeschool lifestyle is catching up to me. I don't interact with people daily anymore, and free time is abundant. Both of these factors have resulted in me jumping back into the otaku world. Over the past month I have delved into anime like a demented scuba diver, exposing myself to these terrible falsehoods about masculinity, relationships, and women again. I noticed my depression started to creep up once I started to watch animes that grossly over value friendship. It made me look at my current circumstances in disdain. It made me feel like I didn't have any real friends because I don't see them five times and week and talk to them about everything. I don't have seven friends to do fun things with. I don't have romance! Good Lord. Suffice it to say, I laughed and started to resent myself when I realized what was happening. I was measuring myself to anime standards yet again. Not only that, I was beginning to view women as objects yet again. Why is it so easy to overshadow truth with convenient lies?
I came across this music video called ME!ME!ME!**** It is a grotesque and sexually explicit music video about an otaku. The music video basically depicts the life of a man who has become addicted to anime porn and the otaku lifestyle. He neglects his girlfriend and later realizes the pain he caused to her and tries to fight his addiction. Sadly, he loses to his addiction and remains a slave to it. But the video is purely based upon individual interpretation. My interpretation of it is this:
Addiction, in this case the otaku lifestyle (relevant to my life), is a very very dangerous problem. If a person over exposes himself to anime, it warps his view on life (hence the crap ton of writing above). It resonated with me since I was just thinking about those particular things when I found this video. Of course, my thoughts above do not only apply to just anime. Anime was simply one of the many forms of deceit I took part in. Books and real life situations can also easily distort reality.
My view on life and people change depending on my current situation. They shouldn't, yet they are. It is strange how humans judge by their feelings. Feelings are too sporadic, too unpredictable to be considered a correct way to judge one's life. I know the correct standards, and I know the right way to think. Unfortunately, I am human. My emotions will distort my expectations. One of the many flaws of mankind is the need for consistent accountability. As soon as something constant is left out of the equation, all that is left is wavering spontaneity. I don't want uncertainty to rule my life, yet I allow it to be so at every turn.
My parents have warned me throughout my childhood (and even to this day) that anything and everything that I expose myself to will affect me. Whether it be positive or negative, it will affect my person. I always dismissed this warning since I believed myself to be of a strong and healthy mind. Oh, my mind is healthy (right?), but it sure isn't strong. The influence is subtle, ever so subtle. Frighteningly subtle. It took two months of this subtle influence to sprout its ugly head from the ground once Summer started. I recognize its sinister grin. I kept it company for long enough during the pubescent stage of my life. I warn my Dear Readers to self-evaluate your standards. I can rant and rave about the perfect standard we have in the Maker, but I wont. The standard of the Maker is the standard for life. Just as the sky is blue when the sun is shining, so is perfection for the standard of the Maker.
Here I am with another bout of depression. Anime life looks so amazing! The fantasy! The romance! The friendships! It all looks so much better than my current life. A lot of things look better than my current life. Am I doing something wrong? Yes and no. I can't possibly live the perfect life, but I can try. Measuring oneself to standards not based on the Maker's Word is wrong. That is clear. Therefore, may I not look at others (whether they be real or fake anime characters) with envy. I am satisfied with the relationship I share with the Maker, but that is another post for another rant for another time.
Take care Dear Readers!
* Otaku - A lifestyle of over-indulgence in anime, manga, and video games
** Chuunibyou - Eighth Grade Syndrome; basically an anime term for an over-imaginative mind that allows its fantasies to invade the real world i.e. girls have a tendency to fall in love with boys who act nice towards them or you're the demon lord of the underworld....
*** Moe - Basically a term used to refer to anime-related elements i.e. shy, overtly cute, feisty, etc. fake and unrealistic attributes usually tacked onto female characters in animes
**** Please don't watch this video if you don't watch anime and are offended by explicit gore, nudity, and sensuality.
DISCLAIMER: If you believe any of this, then I am not sorry....because it is just too obvious that this is just plain, ignorant, and foolish rambling. Thanks for putting up with me Dear Readers. On to the next topic!
The irrepressible desire to warm one's own heart. Whether it be desires or hobbies, it all somehow finds it way back to companionship; relationships. As time slowly churns throughout life, no person can truly admit satisfaction without the proper relationships. Humans are designed to desire one another. Each person approaches this desire in different ways, but the ultimate goal remains the same: companionship. The more I expose myself to media, daily life, and simple observation, the more I realize that my entire focus is to bond with other people. The odd thing is that this is good. However, the good seems to vanish very quickly when I start to examine the fine print. The motives behind my desire for interpersonal relationships are selfish, to say the least. Reaching out to others is just a way to confirm existence and through that confirmation gain worth. Imagining my current life apart from others results in a painful headache. Although my life is about eighteen years and eleven and one-half months old, everything leading up to the present has been a pathetic attempt to gain credibility as a human being. The success rate has fluctuated consistently.
Most of my worries and concerns stem from the fact that I don't have consistent friendships among a diverse group of people. It all started with anime and puberty. Oh, and let's not forget the beginning of my homeschooling life. Over-exposure to unrealistic depictions of teenage life (anime), extraction of daily peer interaction (public school), and larva mode (puberty) all came at the worse time possible; the same time. As my mind was being jumbled by hormones, I developed Chuunibyou**. It wasn't anything extreme, eh, now that I sit hear typing away...it was an extreme case in a way. The first few years of homeschooling life was filled with nothing but crazy daydreams about fantasy and "what if" scenarios. "What if a girl all of a sudden fell for me? How would that play out?" At the time, anime and my own personal experience (experience = 0) were all I had to build the outside world. Making friends, how people react to situations, daily life, and even romance, it was all based off of preconceived ideas of a 12 year old reinforced by the onslaught of otaku pandering. Ah! What a tragedy!
I lived a life of arrogant ignorance till I started to mature into the latter years of adolescence. Re-examining my life during that time causes me to blush. How on earth could I have been foolish enough to have believed those obvious lies? Anime is supposed to be unrealistic and exciting. My life wasn't exciting (no one would argue that point) so I felt inadequate. Was I missing out on my youth? I felt like the homeschool life was sapping away my precious experiences. Making tons of new friends, having fun doing fun things, and even encountering the opposite sex were all foreign concepts. The only window into that world I peered through was stained with globs of moe*** lies, but at the the time I believed them to be true. I thought that a regular student should have at least 3-10 friends and have about 1-3 romantic prospects. Forget those lame expectations. Anime damaged my thought process when it came to people and social situations in general. It is hard to explain since I am not a great writer, but it made me think about people in an ungodly way. I thought friends were necessary for a fulfilled and happy life. I thought romance was painful, unpredictable, and wavering. All lies.
Friendship is not the culmination of life. It is a gift we share with one another. Living a life for friendships is simply not right. Anime always told me to discard everything in the name of friendship. The way friendships were so highly regarded in anime made me place it on a pedestal it didn't deserve. Yes, friendships are supremely important for a healthy social life, but it would be incorrect to strive towards friendship as a reason to live. Many animes even went so far as to say a life without friends is worthless. Although I may sound like I am downplaying friendships, please realize what I am trying to say. Friendships are amazing things to have, and we should always cherish them for as long as possible, but it is not necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. It would be very difficult to strive for a satisfactory life void of friendship, but if someone did find themselves struggling to find a decent friend they shouldn't quit on life. Friendships are something that must be earned through hard work and kindness. It isn't some trophy to display to gain some sort of worth. Real friends are few in number. I don't know many people who have more than two or three close friends, yet I somehow base my happiness off of how many people I have talked to and hung out with during the week. If I spent most of my time by myself, I was supposedly wasting my time. Perhaps I was. Anime told me what friends are and how essential they are to life. It had a few encouraging things to say about friendships, not all of it was bad. But the overall message was still false. In the end, I realized that real friends are there for support. Not for fun. Fun is just an added bonus to the friendship. It is okay to have only one or two (or even none) good friends in a lifetime. Everyone has or had a friendship(s) sometime in their life. How did they treat it? What was it to them? I answered these questions by anime standards. I always treated the few friends I had with overwhelming love and devotion. When a friendship ended, I was devastated. During my homeschooling years, I had virtually zero friends which caused me to hate my life. Friendships are everything, right? Wrong. They are important, but they aren't everything.
Anime didn't just distort my view on friendships, but the way a boy should perceive a girl. Many (all?) anime shows portray women as beautiful sexual objects for men or at least depict beautiful girls in dire need for the main character to save them from some dire circumstance. Notice how I describe them as beautiful? Ugly girls don't exist in anime. As a pubescent teen, I was bombarded with female characters with "ideal" body features that every boy dreams about. Big boobs, perfect curves, perfect skin, perfect smile, everything about female anime characters scream plastic surgery. My view on women was fake and unrealistic, to say the least. Whenever I looked at a girl I always compared her to some anime girl. Do they ever measure up to my anime standards? Never. Because they are fake. It was either perfection or nothing. It wasn't just the unrealistic bodies. The personality of the girl has to be juuust like the girls in anime: always drooling over the main character, falling for him as soon as he helped them weed a garden (not even joking about that one), helpless and hopeless without a male presence. Yeah, like a chick is going to fall for me if I tell them they look pretty (quite the opposite, actually). Presently, I know better than to think of women as mere objects or helpless damsels in distress. They are human beings who are created and loved by the same Maker who made me. Let's just not forget how easily a young boy's mind can be corrupted by puberty-driven character design.
Romantic relationships are an entirely different can of worms. Anime has taught me two terrible things concerning romance: 1) women will fall in love with you if you do particular things, and 2) romantic relationships reach their climax after each person reciprocates their feelings for one another. In other words, the relationship will end in success after they become a couple. There is nothing wrong with a good romcom now and again. It is fine to have shallow relationships and character development in film (look at me getting into proper film making again), but it is not fine when you start to adopt these ideals for your own life. Dear Reader, you must realize that I have watched dozens of animes that portray these deceitful one-dimensional relationships. I have come to the realization that women don't think that way. 99.99% (.....errr, maybe more like 90%) of women will not fall in love with me if I give them some kindness and attention. Women aren't shallow, one-dimensional creatures. Romantic relationships aren't just about the physical. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that romantic relationships are purely based on the emotional level. One could argue for a spiritual side, and you would be correct. But a relationship between a man and women can only work if they are both emotionally compatible and physically attracted to one another. Romantic relationships aren't based purely on how spiritually in-sync two people happen to be.
The last, but probably most damaging, affect anime has had on me as a growing boy would have to be how anime portrays men. Stoic, muscular, a strong sense of justice, and overwhelming compassion. Sure, those are great adjectives for a great man. Again, bring this back to reality. No man is like that... All men are sinners and strive for themselves, not others. It was good to admire the men of anime as role models, but remember, I took these standards as general standards of life. Deceit and selfishness are very real things that every man will fight against. Lust is an attribute that every dude in anime has. I knew since day one of puberty that men crave a women's body, but anime told me to embrace that lust, not rule it. So I allowed my lust to consume my mind. Lust is a part of life, there is no escaping it. But willingly feeding it is not what the Maker desires. To feed lust is to feed my sinful nature. I must die to that lust daily. Ah, so manly and holy. Let's be honest, Dear Readers. You and I both lose to our vices, daily. Doesn't that make the Savior all the more beautiful? Another post for another time!
I bring up this topic because I find myself slinking back into this old mindset. Thankfully, I am wise enough to catch myself before it is too late. Now that I am fully enjoying Summer, my homeschool lifestyle is catching up to me. I don't interact with people daily anymore, and free time is abundant. Both of these factors have resulted in me jumping back into the otaku world. Over the past month I have delved into anime like a demented scuba diver, exposing myself to these terrible falsehoods about masculinity, relationships, and women again. I noticed my depression started to creep up once I started to watch animes that grossly over value friendship. It made me look at my current circumstances in disdain. It made me feel like I didn't have any real friends because I don't see them five times and week and talk to them about everything. I don't have seven friends to do fun things with. I don't have romance! Good Lord. Suffice it to say, I laughed and started to resent myself when I realized what was happening. I was measuring myself to anime standards yet again. Not only that, I was beginning to view women as objects yet again. Why is it so easy to overshadow truth with convenient lies?
I came across this music video called ME!ME!ME!**** It is a grotesque and sexually explicit music video about an otaku. The music video basically depicts the life of a man who has become addicted to anime porn and the otaku lifestyle. He neglects his girlfriend and later realizes the pain he caused to her and tries to fight his addiction. Sadly, he loses to his addiction and remains a slave to it. But the video is purely based upon individual interpretation. My interpretation of it is this:
Addiction, in this case the otaku lifestyle (relevant to my life), is a very very dangerous problem. If a person over exposes himself to anime, it warps his view on life (hence the crap ton of writing above). It resonated with me since I was just thinking about those particular things when I found this video. Of course, my thoughts above do not only apply to just anime. Anime was simply one of the many forms of deceit I took part in. Books and real life situations can also easily distort reality.
My view on life and people change depending on my current situation. They shouldn't, yet they are. It is strange how humans judge by their feelings. Feelings are too sporadic, too unpredictable to be considered a correct way to judge one's life. I know the correct standards, and I know the right way to think. Unfortunately, I am human. My emotions will distort my expectations. One of the many flaws of mankind is the need for consistent accountability. As soon as something constant is left out of the equation, all that is left is wavering spontaneity. I don't want uncertainty to rule my life, yet I allow it to be so at every turn.
My parents have warned me throughout my childhood (and even to this day) that anything and everything that I expose myself to will affect me. Whether it be positive or negative, it will affect my person. I always dismissed this warning since I believed myself to be of a strong and healthy mind. Oh, my mind is healthy (right?), but it sure isn't strong. The influence is subtle, ever so subtle. Frighteningly subtle. It took two months of this subtle influence to sprout its ugly head from the ground once Summer started. I recognize its sinister grin. I kept it company for long enough during the pubescent stage of my life. I warn my Dear Readers to self-evaluate your standards. I can rant and rave about the perfect standard we have in the Maker, but I wont. The standard of the Maker is the standard for life. Just as the sky is blue when the sun is shining, so is perfection for the standard of the Maker.
Here I am with another bout of depression. Anime life looks so amazing! The fantasy! The romance! The friendships! It all looks so much better than my current life. A lot of things look better than my current life. Am I doing something wrong? Yes and no. I can't possibly live the perfect life, but I can try. Measuring oneself to standards not based on the Maker's Word is wrong. That is clear. Therefore, may I not look at others (whether they be real or fake anime characters) with envy. I am satisfied with the relationship I share with the Maker, but that is another post for another rant for another time.
Take care Dear Readers!
* Otaku - A lifestyle of over-indulgence in anime, manga, and video games
*** Moe - Basically a term used to refer to anime-related elements i.e. shy, overtly cute, feisty, etc. fake and unrealistic attributes usually tacked onto female characters in animes
**** Please don't watch this video if you don't watch anime and are offended by explicit gore, nudity, and sensuality.
DISCLAIMER: If you believe any of this, then I am not sorry....because it is just too obvious that this is just plain, ignorant, and foolish rambling. Thanks for putting up with me Dear Readers. On to the next topic!
Friday, May 15, 2015
NowThatThat'sOver
Words cannot express it. The first time one experiences the joy of completing the first year of college is unparalleled. Yes, I am being hyperbolic. One entire year has passed since I began this transition from childhood to adulthood. The rush of relaxation and joy followed by a sigh. It is all abruptly interrupted by the fact that I have to find a job to occupy myself over the summer. What's wrong with just resting and lazing around? Nothing. Except everything, apparently. You don't have to convince me. I understand the importance of getting a job. Experience has to be accumulated over time. Please, give me a moment of respite before I plunge my head under again.
I have received my final grades for four out of five classes. All A's, surprisingly. I am not telling you, Dear Reader, to boast. In fact, I share this information with intent. During the last month of the Spring semester, I was struggling with the idea of getting a B. I was losing my mind over the idea of scoring less than perfect in my academics. The classes I am currently taking are core classes that must be taken by anyone looking for a four year degree. I figure if I can't even score perfect for these simple classes, how am I going to do when I head into my major? I was faced with the nightmare I longed to ignore: losing my 4.0 GPA. I prayed. I confided. I have come to a conclusion.
Getting anything less than an A is OKAY. Getting a B or even a C is OKAY. Why? I am not in college to impress others. I am not even in college to pursue a career. I am in college because God wants me to be in college. It is my mission field for the foreseeable future. I have already involved myself in a ministry and have received a lot of exposure to others' faith and pursuits. People are hurting, struggling, and fighting for the physical. Confused and mentally stressed. The symptoms are there. I understand the terrible stress people put themselves through to achieve that superfluous A that has no standing in Christ. I believe Christ isn't concerned with my grades more than my walk. Ever since I started college, my walk has been in the freezer. I have grown spiritually and mentally, but I have neglected my daily walk with Him. The conversations have ceased. It is kind of cold. Now, I am not saying that studying hard and doing well is wrong. I want you to analyze the WAY you tackle your education. It is important but not worth the stress and worry. Easy words for hard actions, I know.
I asked myself why I wanted to maintain a 4.0. Answer? Extremely shallow. I simply wanted to look good and hopefully carry those good grades to get a good job. Both reasons are physical and temporary. Those two adjectives are my weakness. Whether it be my future or my present, it is all I think about. Jesus is only concerned in the spiritual. Why should I be any different? Balancing the life of a college student with my pursuit for the Kingdom is the hardest class I will ever take. My intentions for my grades were selfish and inward. By aiming for good grades, I was sinning. I elevated my schooling over my Savior. A B does not mean failure. It doesn't mean you didn't try your best. My family told me to not define myself by my grade but by Christ. Because of Him I always have perfect scores in God's eyes.
While I was struggling with the idea of getting less than perfect grades, I started to realize my imperfections. I am not the smartest person in the world. I know that. But I started to realize that my intellect wasn't as great as I thought. In the back of my head, I felt like God wanted to tell me that I am not the reason for my success. The Spirit within me was giving me the ability to succeed. I always thought my smarts came from my own devices. I studied hard. I worked hard. I put in the time. But the truth was there. I am where I am now because of His blessings. I was frustrated. Everything I am is not mine. It is His. Even my academics. A tough pill to swallow.
I was reading Scripture during the last month of the Spring semester. It was 1 Corinthians chapter 1. What an amazing chapter. It struck me right where I needed to be struck at the time. The wisdom of the earth is big joke to God. The foolish are used by HIM to make the wise look like fools. I am that weak fool. The peace I received from that chapter only showed His love for me. I encourage my fellow College Mates to read that passage, even if you are done with finals!
Dear Readers! I have heard about your stress. I have heard about the terrible trials of the past few months. I understand. But please remember: don't become a slave to that malicious A. It will tear you apart spiritually. I received my reward. I have achieved that A at the cost of my daily walk. Was it worth it? Do I really need to answer? Now that it is over, I am taking my walk out of the freezer and into the oven. Time to get toasty.
College is fantastic. The people I encounter continue to amaze me. My new work ethic? Work hard for the glory of the Kingdom, not for my own gratification.
Happy Summer for all who have studied and worked hard! Cheers to the people who have supported us through prayers and physical needs. Praise the Lord for His continual blessings. Thank You.
WE MADE IT!
I have received my final grades for four out of five classes. All A's, surprisingly. I am not telling you, Dear Reader, to boast. In fact, I share this information with intent. During the last month of the Spring semester, I was struggling with the idea of getting a B. I was losing my mind over the idea of scoring less than perfect in my academics. The classes I am currently taking are core classes that must be taken by anyone looking for a four year degree. I figure if I can't even score perfect for these simple classes, how am I going to do when I head into my major? I was faced with the nightmare I longed to ignore: losing my 4.0 GPA. I prayed. I confided. I have come to a conclusion.
Getting anything less than an A is OKAY. Getting a B or even a C is OKAY. Why? I am not in college to impress others. I am not even in college to pursue a career. I am in college because God wants me to be in college. It is my mission field for the foreseeable future. I have already involved myself in a ministry and have received a lot of exposure to others' faith and pursuits. People are hurting, struggling, and fighting for the physical. Confused and mentally stressed. The symptoms are there. I understand the terrible stress people put themselves through to achieve that superfluous A that has no standing in Christ. I believe Christ isn't concerned with my grades more than my walk. Ever since I started college, my walk has been in the freezer. I have grown spiritually and mentally, but I have neglected my daily walk with Him. The conversations have ceased. It is kind of cold. Now, I am not saying that studying hard and doing well is wrong. I want you to analyze the WAY you tackle your education. It is important but not worth the stress and worry. Easy words for hard actions, I know.
I asked myself why I wanted to maintain a 4.0. Answer? Extremely shallow. I simply wanted to look good and hopefully carry those good grades to get a good job. Both reasons are physical and temporary. Those two adjectives are my weakness. Whether it be my future or my present, it is all I think about. Jesus is only concerned in the spiritual. Why should I be any different? Balancing the life of a college student with my pursuit for the Kingdom is the hardest class I will ever take. My intentions for my grades were selfish and inward. By aiming for good grades, I was sinning. I elevated my schooling over my Savior. A B does not mean failure. It doesn't mean you didn't try your best. My family told me to not define myself by my grade but by Christ. Because of Him I always have perfect scores in God's eyes.
While I was struggling with the idea of getting less than perfect grades, I started to realize my imperfections. I am not the smartest person in the world. I know that. But I started to realize that my intellect wasn't as great as I thought. In the back of my head, I felt like God wanted to tell me that I am not the reason for my success. The Spirit within me was giving me the ability to succeed. I always thought my smarts came from my own devices. I studied hard. I worked hard. I put in the time. But the truth was there. I am where I am now because of His blessings. I was frustrated. Everything I am is not mine. It is His. Even my academics. A tough pill to swallow.
I was reading Scripture during the last month of the Spring semester. It was 1 Corinthians chapter 1. What an amazing chapter. It struck me right where I needed to be struck at the time. The wisdom of the earth is big joke to God. The foolish are used by HIM to make the wise look like fools. I am that weak fool. The peace I received from that chapter only showed His love for me. I encourage my fellow College Mates to read that passage, even if you are done with finals!
College is fantastic. The people I encounter continue to amaze me. My new work ethic? Work hard for the glory of the Kingdom, not for my own gratification.
Happy Summer for all who have studied and worked hard! Cheers to the people who have supported us through prayers and physical needs. Praise the Lord for His continual blessings. Thank You.
WE MADE IT!
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