StopLyingTo[Myself]

WARNING: This post is filled with anime analysis, so if you don't watch anime or know anything about otaku* culture then you might not understand everything I bring up in this post, my apologies

The irrepressible desire to warm one's own heart. Whether it be desires or hobbies, it all somehow finds it way back to companionship; relationships. As time slowly churns throughout life, no person can truly admit satisfaction without the proper relationships. Humans are designed to desire one another. Each person approaches this desire in different ways, but the ultimate goal remains the same: companionship. The more I expose myself to media, daily life, and simple observation, the more I realize that my entire focus is to bond with other people. The odd thing is that this is good. However, the good seems to vanish very quickly when I start to examine the fine print. The motives behind my desire for interpersonal relationships are selfish, to say the least. Reaching out to others is just a way to confirm existence and through that confirmation gain worth. Imagining my current life apart from others results in a painful headache. Although my life is about eighteen years and eleven and one-half months old, everything leading up to the present has been a pathetic attempt to gain credibility as a human being. The success rate has fluctuated consistently.

Most of my worries and concerns stem from the fact that I don't have consistent friendships among a diverse group of people. It all started with anime and puberty. Oh, and let's not forget the beginning of my homeschooling life. Over-exposure to unrealistic depictions of teenage life (anime), extraction of daily peer interaction (public school), and larva mode (puberty) all came at the worse time possible; the same time. As my mind was being jumbled by hormones, I developed Chuunibyou**. It wasn't anything extreme, eh, now that I sit hear typing away...it was an extreme case in a way. The first few years of homeschooling life was filled with nothing but crazy daydreams about fantasy and "what if" scenarios. "What if a girl all of a sudden fell for me? How would that play out?" At the time, anime and my own personal experience (experience = 0) were all I had to build the outside world. Making friends, how people react to situations, daily life, and even romance, it was all based off of preconceived ideas of a 12 year old reinforced by the onslaught of otaku pandering. Ah! What a tragedy!

I lived a life of arrogant ignorance till I started to mature into the latter years of adolescence. Re-examining my life during that time causes me to blush. How on earth could I have been foolish enough to have believed those obvious lies? Anime is supposed to be unrealistic and exciting. My life wasn't exciting (no one would argue that point) so I felt inadequate. Was I missing out on my youth? I felt like the homeschool life was sapping away my precious experiences. Making tons of new friends, having fun doing fun things, and even encountering the opposite sex were all foreign concepts. The only window into that world I peered through was stained with globs of moe*** lies, but at the the time I believed them to be true. I thought that a regular student should have at least 3-10 friends and have about 1-3 romantic prospects. Forget those lame expectations. Anime damaged my thought process when it came to people and social situations in general. It is hard to explain since I am not a great writer, but it made me think about people in an ungodly way. I thought friends were necessary for a fulfilled and happy life. I thought romance was painful, unpredictable, and wavering. All lies.

Friendship is not the culmination of life. It is a gift we share with one another. Living a life for friendships is simply not right. Anime always told me to discard everything in the name of friendship. The way friendships were so highly regarded in anime made me place it on a pedestal it didn't deserve. Yes, friendships are supremely important for a healthy social life, but it would be incorrect to strive towards friendship as a reason to live. Many animes even went so far as to say a life without friends is worthless. Although I may sound like I am downplaying friendships, please realize what I am trying to say. Friendships are amazing things to have, and we should always cherish them for as long as possible, but it is not necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. It would be very difficult to strive for a satisfactory life void of friendship, but if someone did find themselves struggling to find a decent friend they shouldn't quit on life. Friendships are something that must be earned through hard work and kindness. It isn't some trophy to display to gain some sort of worth. Real friends are few in number. I don't know many people who have more than two or three close friends, yet I somehow base my happiness off of how many people I have talked to and hung out with during the week. If I spent most of my time by myself, I was supposedly wasting my time. Perhaps I was. Anime told me what friends are and how essential they are to life. It had a few encouraging things to say about friendships, not all of it was bad. But the overall message was still false. In the end, I realized that real friends are there for support. Not for fun. Fun is just an added bonus to the friendship. It is okay to have only one or two (or even none) good friends in a lifetime. Everyone has or had a friendship(s) sometime in their life. How did they treat it? What was it to them? I answered these questions by anime standards. I always treated the few friends I had with overwhelming love and devotion. When a friendship ended, I was devastated. During my homeschooling years, I had virtually zero friends which caused me to hate my life. Friendships are everything, right? Wrong. They are important, but they aren't everything.

Anime didn't just distort my view on friendships, but the way a boy should perceive a girl. Many (all?) anime shows portray women as beautiful sexual objects for men or at least depict beautiful girls in dire need for the main character to save them from some dire circumstance. Notice how I describe them as beautiful? Ugly girls don't exist in anime. As a pubescent teen, I was bombarded with female characters with "ideal" body features that every boy dreams about. Big boobs, perfect curves, perfect skin, perfect smile, everything about female anime characters scream plastic surgery. My view on women was fake and unrealistic, to say the least. Whenever I looked at a girl I always compared her to some anime girl. Do they ever measure up to my anime standards? Never. Because they are fake. It was either perfection or nothing. It wasn't just the unrealistic bodies. The personality of the girl has to be juuust like the girls in anime: always drooling over the main character, falling for him as soon as he helped them weed a garden (not even joking about that one), helpless and hopeless without a male presence. Yeah, like a chick is going to fall for me if I tell them they look pretty (quite the opposite, actually). Presently, I know better than to think of women as mere objects or helpless damsels in distress. They are human beings who are created and loved by the same Maker who made me. Let's just not forget how easily a young boy's mind can be corrupted by puberty-driven character design.


Romantic relationships are an entirely different can of worms. Anime has taught me two terrible things concerning romance: 1) women will fall in love with you if you do particular things, and 2) romantic relationships reach their climax after each person reciprocates their feelings for one another. In other words, the relationship will end in success after they become a couple. There is nothing wrong with a good romcom now and again. It is fine to have shallow relationships and character development in film (look at me getting into proper film making again), but it is not fine when you start to adopt these ideals for your own life. Dear Reader, you must realize that I have watched dozens of animes that portray these deceitful one-dimensional relationships. I have come to the realization that women don't think that way. 99.99% (.....errr, maybe more like 90%) of women will not fall in love with me if I give them some kindness and attention. Women aren't shallow, one-dimensional creatures. Romantic relationships aren't just about the physical. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that romantic relationships are purely based on the emotional level. One could argue for a spiritual side, and you would be correct. But a relationship between a man and women can only work if they are both emotionally compatible and physically attracted to one another. Romantic relationships aren't based purely on how spiritually in-sync two people happen to be.

The last, but probably most damaging, affect anime has had on me as a growing boy would have to be how anime portrays men. Stoic, muscular, a strong sense of justice, and overwhelming compassion. Sure, those are great adjectives for a great man. Again, bring this back to reality. No man is like that... All men are sinners and strive for themselves, not others. It was good to admire the men of anime as role models, but remember, I took these standards as general standards of life. Deceit and selfishness are very real things that every man will fight against. Lust is an attribute that every dude in anime has. I knew since day one of puberty that men crave a women's body, but anime told me to embrace that lust, not rule it. So I allowed my lust to consume my mind. Lust is a part of life, there is no escaping it. But willingly feeding it is not what the Maker desires. To feed lust is to feed my sinful nature. I must die to that lust daily. Ah, so manly and holy. Let's be honest, Dear Readers. You and I both lose to our vices, daily. Doesn't that make the Savior all the more beautiful? Another post for another time!

I bring up this topic because I find myself slinking back into this old mindset. Thankfully, I am wise enough to catch myself before it is too late. Now that I am fully enjoying Summer, my homeschool lifestyle is catching up to me. I don't interact with people daily anymore, and free time is abundant. Both of these factors have resulted in me jumping back into the otaku world. Over the past month I have delved into anime like a demented scuba diver, exposing myself to these terrible falsehoods about masculinity, relationships, and women again. I noticed my depression started to creep up once I started to watch animes that grossly over value friendship. It made me look at my current circumstances in disdain. It made me feel like I didn't have any real friends because I don't see them five times and week and talk to them about everything. I don't have seven friends to do fun things with. I don't have romance! Good Lord. Suffice it to say, I laughed and started to resent myself when I realized what was happening. I was measuring myself to anime standards yet again. Not only that, I was beginning to view women as objects yet again. Why is it so easy to overshadow truth with convenient lies?

I came across this music video called ME!ME!ME!**** It is a grotesque and sexually explicit music video about an otaku. The music video basically depicts the life of a man who has become addicted to anime porn and the otaku lifestyle. He neglects his girlfriend and later realizes the pain he caused to her and tries to fight his addiction. Sadly, he loses to his addiction and remains a slave to it. But the video is purely based upon individual interpretation. My interpretation of it is this:

Addiction, in this case the otaku lifestyle (relevant to my life), is a very very dangerous problem. If a person over exposes himself to anime, it warps his view on life (hence the crap ton of writing above). It resonated with me since I was just thinking about those particular things when I found this video. Of course, my thoughts above do not only apply to just anime. Anime was simply one of the many forms of deceit I took part in. Books and real life situations can also easily distort reality.

My view on life and people change depending on my current situation. They shouldn't, yet they are. It is strange how humans judge by their feelings. Feelings are too sporadic, too unpredictable to be considered a correct way to judge one's life. I know the correct standards, and I know the right way to think. Unfortunately, I am human. My emotions will distort my expectations. One of the many flaws of mankind is the need for consistent accountability. As soon as something constant is left out of the equation, all that is left is wavering spontaneity. I don't want uncertainty to rule my life, yet I allow it to be so at every turn.

My parents have warned me throughout my childhood (and even to this day) that anything and everything that I expose myself to will affect me. Whether it be positive or negative, it will affect my person. I always dismissed this warning since I believed myself to be of a strong and healthy mind. Oh, my mind is healthy (right?), but it sure isn't strong. The influence is subtle, ever so subtle. Frighteningly subtle. It took two months of this subtle influence to sprout its ugly head from the ground once Summer started. I recognize its sinister grin. I kept it company for long enough during the pubescent stage of my life. I warn my Dear Readers to self-evaluate your standards. I can rant and rave about the perfect standard we have in the Maker, but I wont. The standard of the Maker is the standard for life. Just as the sky is blue when the sun is shining, so is perfection for the standard of the Maker.

Here I am with another bout of depression. Anime life looks so amazing! The fantasy! The romance! The friendships! It all looks so much better than my current life. A lot of things look better than my current life. Am I doing something wrong? Yes and no. I can't possibly live the perfect life, but I can try. Measuring oneself to standards not based on the Maker's Word is wrong. That is clear. Therefore, may I not look at others (whether they be real or fake anime characters) with envy. I am satisfied with the relationship I share with the Maker, but that is another post for another rant for another time.

Take care Dear Readers!


* Otaku - A lifestyle of over-indulgence in anime, manga, and video games

** Chuunibyou - Eighth Grade Syndrome; basically an anime term for an over-imaginative mind that allows its fantasies to invade the real world i.e. girls have a tendency to fall in love with boys who act nice towards them or you're the demon lord of the underworld....

*** Moe - Basically a term used to refer to anime-related elements i.e. shy, overtly cute, feisty, etc. fake and unrealistic attributes usually tacked onto female characters in animes

**** Please don't watch this video if you don't watch anime and are offended by explicit gore, nudity, and sensuality.


DISCLAIMER: If you believe any of this, then I am not sorry....because it is just too obvious that this is just plain, ignorant, and foolish rambling. Thanks for putting up with me Dear Readers. On to the next topic!

RelationshipsAndFacades

Less than three weeks left.

What better way to spend it then at a friend's house? It's been a long time since I have stayed two consecutive nights at a friend's place. I find it exciting! Even if the thought of leaving indefinitely leaves me with a somewhat hollow feeling inside. People ask me if I am sad that we are moving or something along those lines. Answer? Absolutely no sadness. Just an empty shell of emotion. That is the best way of putting it. I must admit that the entire notion of us uprooting our lives and heading off to an unknown continent is still unbelievable. Alas, I am still a human. I tend to put too much value into tangible evidence instead of the words of a Loved One. Plane tickets are bought. House is 'sold'. Packing is a imminent. All that is left is a few days and an ocean between me and my new home.

Enough of that boring stuff.

I am currently writing this post at a new location. You would think that new location would be my new future home, but it is just a Great Friend's abode. Laughing is as common as breathing whenever I spend time with my family away from my family. I might be too candid in saying this, but I feel like a part of their family whenever I am with them. No facade, no pretending. Just ol' Missingnomer as himself. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing though.... It would be kind of awkward if I was actually shunned for my apparent lack of decency. Though acting like someone I am not reminds me of one of the more detestable sides of human character. Why on earth are we expected to act "kind and gracious" to everyone we meet? Acting like someone you aren't isn't that great. In fact, after a while I would imagine people would start to loathe the very idea of spending time with people at all.

Even though I say that, it doesn't stop me from acting unlike myself around new acquaintances. It must be some sort of defense mechanism. To hide behind a mask of "proper etiquette" means to lie to the very person you are conversing with. That is a harsh way to put it, but it is nonetheless true. At least I find that in myself. Of course, anomalies that defy this rule are sure to exist. With every rule and law there are always exceptions, whether it be human or otherwise. But for me? I am just a dude that acts the way he wants to act. Whether people like it or not is up to them. We are told to love others, not like them.

I still find it comical. Whenever my parents or siblings talk about other people with the family, they always bring up valid points concerning a particular person's character, oddities, and down right crass nature. Most people would classify that as gossiping and you would probably be accurate in saying so. But I couldn't find myself discrediting any of the things my family brought to light. Though even if a person does an absurd trespass and deeply hurts or bothers someone, we simply shrug it off and never confront them about the matter. Why? Most families and friends should be able to come together and discuss differences. If you can't even do that with your family how in the world are you going to be able to do it with someone who isn't?

"Breaking the ice" is a common term used to imply the act of breaking down the walls that we humans tend to create when we meet new people. Whenever we meet someone we find ourselves using this "Fake Self" as a way to seem presentable to other people. By this act of playing the kind and courteous person we try to make a positive first impression. But is a first impression of someone acting unlike themselves truly a GOOD first impression? Hardly. In some cases I am sure that when two people meet and do that to each other they instantly bottle-neck their relationship from progressing any further than "quaint acquaintances".

When I first met the offspring of this owner's abode I am sure we both put on our facades of "nice people" and acted accordingly. A handshake, a smile, introducing ourselves and others, and then commenced with small talk which amounted to absolutely zero value. That is way it is. That is the way it should be, right?

Thankfully time continued and we spent more time together. It seems that the more people commune the more they get to know about each other. Obviously, you can only make a good friend if you eventually take off that facade and genuinely discuss things that you love and things that concern you and others. After that it is just a matter of time before you become close and form a relationship. I admit, there are a million factors that must be addressed before a friendship can truly blossom, but the point is that friendships can only result in time spent with each other AND acting like yourself. The thing is that even if you may have revealed your true self to the other person that may or may not be true for the other party. They might have kept the friendship at arms length. But that is when the most important thing in a relationship comes into being. Trust.

So there. That is my crude attempt at a breakdown for a friendship. I am so glad for mine. Making a friend in life is one of the best things you can do. We all need people to laugh and talk with. But it is even sweeter for fellow believers. Not only will the friendship sharpen each other's faith, but it will also last forever. At least, I hope it will. It could. It should. It will. It is.

DISCLAIMER: If you believe any of this, then I am not sorry....because it is just too obvious that this is just plain, ignorant, and foolish rambling. Thanks for putting up with me Dear Readers. On to the next topic!

ThePerfectCombinationPartTwo

Please do not lose heart my Dear Readers if you happen to fall into the two categories that I have previously mentioned in my last post! The time will come when you will part with your siblings, so hold on until then. I shall now continue with the final part of my intensive research on the subject of sibling compositions. Starting with one that I didn't even consider:

Eldest Brother, Eldest Sister, Elder-Middle Sister, Elder-Middle Brother, Youngest Sister, And Youngest Brother

What a mouthful. But since there seems to be an interest in this particular sibling composition I shall iterate the fact that in this certain composition any and all things are possible. We begin with the Eldest brother. This role remains the same in most situations. Eldest being the most responsible and mature. However, with such a wide age range we find that the Eldest brother has even MORE responsibility in the fact that he now has to not only mature and grow, but help in the process of raising the younger siblings. This will create a sense of parenthood in the Eldest. As for the Eldest of the sisters she has the responsibility of being the role model for the other two younger sisters. By her they learn how (and how not to) act and work. Of course the Eldest brother has that same duty. The Elder-Middle sister will probably have the hardest time in this sibling composition. Since she is slightly younger then the Eldest sister she does not have as much responsibility in the sense of being the role model. She will not have much influence on any of the siblings in terms of raising them and/or teaching them. She is left with very little to do (chores are an exception) making it very discouraging. The Elder-Middle brother.....ah yea, he's there. Okay moving on. 

The Youngest brother and sister has way too much to benefit from this sibling composition. Having two brothers and two sisters going through their "teenage to adult lives" gives them a huge head start to many things. Not only will they mature early on in life, but they will learn from their Elder Sage Siblings. My Dear Elder Readers, they will learn from your mistakes and grow off of you. They skip the pain and suffering of growing up and just reap the rewards. The Youngest sibling position is the most coveted position on the earth!

Eldest Brother, Middle Sister, and Youngest Brother

We have finally come to what I believe is.....the best sibling composition...ever. Most of my Dear Readers saw this one coming from a mile away. But let me defend myself before you decide to write me off. The Eldest brother's role remains the same! Responsible, mature, and smart. The Middle sister is the one and only daughter. Having the one daughter in the family as the Middle child is excellent. It cancels out the bad of being the only daughter and the Middle! Being the only daughter she gets terribly spoiled (trust me), but if she is the Middle child she has no responsibility! So by being smothered by the parents she will not be neglected like most Middle children. By being the only daughter and being the Middle she has ultimately cured the disease of being the Middle child. The Youngest brother in this situation doesn't remain supreme. He will look up to the Eldest and he will look to the Middle for guidance in the ways of women (trust me on this too, I need all the help I can get). Not only that, but the Youngest gets an older brother and sister which opens the door to both worlds. Pretty much a done deal. Everyone in this sibling composition is pretty well-rounded. The sister by herself will be fine, she will remain feminine. The two brothers will work and play with each other, alongside with being a few years apart they will also learn from each other; loving and cherishing their sister together, they will grow into men that respect women.

Well, that's it. *everyone stands up* *applause* I know, I know. *applause* My Dear Readers, thank you....thank you, yes....*applause* Please. Stop, just stop. *applause* *a loud whistle from the second row* Sit down, just sit down. Thank you.

It was fun. I must say I had a blast putting this together. Of course my research isn't flawless. It is almost impossible to predict the human mind, but I have tried my best to make this compilation of sibling compositions. I hope you had a couple of good laughs. This is all in good reading, so don't take me too seriously. This still remains a theory to this day. Just give it about 20 or so years and it will be in the science text books as a "Sound Scientific Law."

DISCLAIMER: If you believe any of this, then I am not sorry....because it is just too obvious that this is just plain, ignorant, and foolish rambling. Thanks for putting up with me Dear Readers. On to the next topic!

ThePerfectCombination

As I was driving to the great town known to us as the haven of the divine store named Wal-Mart, I had a discussion with the women of my origins. She gave me a brilliant idea. Hence this post, let us begin.

Now most of my Dear Readers may or may not know this, But I am the youngest of three. I have two Elder Sage Siblings who are off in college, leaving me to myself. However, this post is not about my intense isolation, but about siblings, and all that comes with having siblings of different combinations.

Eldest sister, Middle brother, and Youngest sister

This is a combination of much animosity. The Eldest is always the best in every aspect in academics and responsibility, leaving this duty to a girl is somewhat controversial, I shall go no further than that. The Middle is usually the odd ball. When you are the Middle you are in the middle with everything, from academics to responsibility. To top it off you are the only brother in this trio.....that causes some problems, especially in terms of masculinity. How on Earth can you become a man when you constantly surrounded by incompeten- I mean girlishness! Of course we have the Youngest, the most innocent, treacherous, and conniving. Leave this role to a girl? My goodness, just throw me into a den of ferocious wolves of murder.

Eldest brother, Middle brother, Youngest sister

This is a combination of staleness and rivalry. You can already gather that two brothers who are close in age will fight for the spot of "most accomplished son."

"My dear Father! Look hither! I have worked to the best of my abilities and achieved a remarkable feat; a feat that would have YOU even impressed! 100% on my Finals! I have officially graduated!"

"Indeed, Markus, well done. I suppose we can have those "crab cakes" you always wanted to eat. Very pricey."

"Forget about that pops. Take a look at this (rips off t-shirt). I got your name tattooed on my chest!"

"MY WORD! Timothy, such loyalty....how shall I ever divide my wealth between you two properly?"

My older brother things are so dumb. Look at them trying to get Father's attention....all I have to do is pull some of the cute daughter act andddddd

"Oh Father."

"Cilia?"

"Love me."

"I shall."

Yea, that was lame. But it is the truth. These are only two of the many combinations of the unit known as siblings. I shall gather more of my brilliant research and translate them into layman's terms for my Dear Readers to possibly conceive them! I shall see you, Dear Reader, later.