ThePrayerForPatience

Surprise! I felt like writing another post instead of waiting another year and half for the next one. One big thing has been rapidly developing. So rapidly, in fact, that I felt like I should type my feelings out right now instead of waiting till later. What is the big thing? Well, in my last post, I eluded to it ever so slightly. I wasn't sure what it was going to develop into at the time, but now? Now, I am very confident.

Looks like I am getting married this year.

Now, I have talked to my loved ones about this over the last couple of months. It sounds like things are going way too fast. I started dating her in the middle of September and now I am planning on marrying her only after four months of dating. How on earth can I be so confident about it? To be honest, the only answer I can come up with is that in my prayer and mediation about it I feel at peace. That's it. And when I think about it, that is all I really need. Peace in my spirit.

She is an amazing person. She loves Jesus, has a loving family, kind, empathetic, practical, and, of course, beautiful. But I am not floating in the clouds. She isn't perfect, and neither am I. We have a lot of room to grow in our love for Jesus and each other. It is really hard to describe in words how I feel about the whole situation. When I say, "We have been dating for four months." It sounds like such a short amount of time, but when I ask myself what we have done in the last four months? We have had countless conversations with each other about so many different things. I know so much about her. Enough to love her and want to be with her. But do I?

On an emotional and spiritual level, it just feels right. My spirit is so at peace when I think about spending the rest of my life with her. I truly believe that if God did not want us to be together my spirit wouldn't nearly be so peaceful about it. Over the last few months I have spent a lot more time in prayer and the Word. It has been wonderful. If anything, this relationship is showing me how much I need Jesus. How I need to rely on Him daily for wisdom and guidance. I have never dated anyone before. All of these experiences are new, but they aren't scary or stressful. I can only give the praise and credit to Him for that.

There are two sides in my heart fighting each other, right now. One of them is saying, "Why wait? Get married as soon as possible!" The other is saying, "This just doesn't feel right. Things are going too smoothly." I am both giving them their time to argue their case, but I don't know which one is right. Am I being too hasty? Too analytical? Too pessimistic? I don't know. My loved ones encourage me to take my time, but for what? To get to know her more? I don't think there is anything I could find out about her that I don't know yet that would change the outcome.

I am extremely confident I am going to marry her. I just don't know when I should marry her. Is there even a right answer to this question?

So I am doing the only thing I know I should do: Pray. I am doing a lot of praying. As time goes on, I am genuinely finding it hard to argue against just proposing to her now and getting married as soon as possible. But I have always heard of people rushing into marriage and regretting it. But a lot of those people aren't believers, so should I even care about their experiences? What would I regret or miss or be sad about if we got married today? Right now? I just don't see it. Or maybe I don't want to see it. I feel like doubting myself for the foreseeable future doesn't sound healthy.

What do you think, Dear Readers? Should I pop the question soon? Or wait? Besides, you aren't even married when you do propose. It would take at least three months or more to actually tie the knot.

Pray for me. I need all of it. God is guiding us. I just want to make sure I am not pushing that guidance off the tracks.

I wonder how I will look back on this post. Hopefully, it is just a good laugh.

EvenASproutTriesItsBestToTouchGod

I write this for posterity. This feeling I have right now is simple. I just feel grateful to God for all of His blessings. A lot of things have happened since my last post. Happiness, sadness, pain, frustrations, anxiety, stress, relief, and the list goes on. However, even though my life is a rollercoaster of emotion (just emotion, my life is pretty boring compared to anyone's), God is still there. He is always present. Just waiting for me to notice Him. I do notice Him from time to time like how you would notice a penny on the ground. But this is more of like a reminder than gaining one cent more to your name. It is more like you just realized that the goal you were chasing wasn't Him and you want to knock yourself on the side of the head.

I started a new job.

Everyone I have told has given me words of encouragement and praise. I know it is all thanks to God, but you can't help but think that you really did have some part in all of it. I suppose I did in the sense that I ultimately had to say yes to His calling, but I truly wonder if this is His calling? Does God want me to have a cushy job? Or does He want me to serve His Kingdom? The answer is pretty obvious.

So it sorta makes me wonder if everything I have been doing up to this point has a point. Does this ultimately serve God's kingdom? I honestly don't know. I suppose through His infinite wisdom He can do whatever He wants with what I can offer Him. He can turn my job into an instrument. I suppose I will have to let Him do just that.

I am taking it day by day.

Some things have been happening recently. I am a very pragmatic person. I never want to count my chickens before they hatch. I never want to say what it will be when I don't know what it is. Things are slowly coming together. Only time can really tell what will happen in the coming months, but things are definitely happening. God has been so good to me this year.

I started going to a new church. It is a lovely community. They love Jesus and each other so much that it makes the 40 minute drive there on Sunday worth it every time. I could find a church much closer, but something tells me this is where God wants me to be. I also started attending their small group every Thursday. Well, I say every Thursday, but I have only been going sporadically since it started. My life is actually busy now.

This whole time my life has been bent towards free time. Minimize work, minimize socializing, and minimizing things I have to do. All for the sake of adding as much "free time" to my life as possible. I would revel in those long hours and days with nothing to do. Why did I love those times so much? Because they were simple? Probably because they were easy. No challenges, no chances to make mistakes.

I barely have any time to play video games anymore. I would play for dozens of hours every week. I would look forward to the weekends where I wouldn't leave my room. Now I can't wait to jump out of my room and do something new. I guess you could say I am growing up...

Is it already time to be a grown up? I am 26 years old. Time isn't slowing down. It only seems to go faster. How will I look back on my time spent in my early 20s. Will I be sad? Regretful? Happy?

Joyful 2022, my Dear Readers. I may have left for a while, but I am always here. Living my life. Praying. Working through things one day at a time. I suppose that is not a bad way to go about things. 

JustWhenYouThoughtItMadeSense

My first year as an adult did not turn out the way I expected. I don't think anyone's 2020 went the way they expected. Uggg, what a lame way to start my adult life. So many things I wanted to do, so many things to see, so many people to meet, and so many experiences to experience. I can sum up 2020 in like, two sentences:

Working a fulltime job is fun, rewarding, and exhausting!

Wait, I can't do anything?

Now I sit here thinking, "Does my life start...now? Or am I going to wait another year?" Who knows? God likes to play with me. Just when I thought I was given more slack to roam the world, the chord is tugged. It was tugged so hard it flung me back into my bedroom. I set a record number of hours in this little room this year. I barely did anything but work. At least God blessed me with a job. There are so many things to moan about but the blessings outweigh them by a large margin.

Just think, last year I was hoping to have a church and girlfriend by now! My! How things have changed from those initial goals! What did I achieve in 2020? Eh, some good job experience, money, and some good friendships. Not nearly as much as I wanted, but it is definitely a start. Unfortunately, I spent so much time waiting. Waiting for the doors to open...

Dear Readers, I hope you had a good 2020. A lot of people on the internet love to say how horrible it all was, but I don't like to dwell on the negatives. God blessed me with a healthy family, a stable job during a rough time, and a hope that it will end in the near future. Honestly, I am very happy and excited about the new year! What are my goals? Well, might as well just drag the 2020 goals to 2021! I gotta find a good Church!

All the exciting things that I know of haven't happened to myself. They all happened for family and friends. My life has felt like it was put on ice for the last 10 months. I would be lying if I said I wasn't bitter about it. It allowed me to enjoy one more year of being...me. I thought 2020 was going to push my life forward. You know, growing up and taking on more responsibilities! But instead all I got was more of what I know. Don't get me wrong, my job has been keeping me on my toes, but working at home is only so effective when it comes to staving off boredom.

What is God trying to teach me? Patience, inner-reflection, and maybe some humility. I listened a lot to a guy named Jordan Peterson through out 2020. He talked a lot about God, purpose, politics, and philosophy. It made me think a lot about what it really means to be a young adult in my position. What should I do today? This week? This month? This year? This decade? What is most important to me? Why?

Anyways, I honestly didn't think too much about what I wanted to talk about in this post. I usually wing it and the thoughts come flowing. But right now....nothing is really coming to me. I guess that goes to show how hollow 2020 was for me. It can only get more interesting from here, I guess. Man, I really want a girlfriend. I am a 24 (going to be 25) year old dude who is still a virgin. You think this is easy for me?!?

Anyone out there who is reading this:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

OnYourMark...GetSet...Wait...NowWhat?

Now what?

School is done. Yeah, I am back Dear Readers. What does that even mean, though? Where do I go from here? Well, I guess it is up to me to decide, right? At least, that is what I thought when I was in the process of graduating. It is strange how so many things can change and yet still be the same. Just a little over a month ago I was in school. Being a student is all I have ever known since I can remember. Wake up, go to school, and come home to do homework. Rinse and repeat. Home school did shake things up, but it was ultimately the same thing. I am now officially an adult, according to society. I have to find work and start making money. Makes me think about the song "Stressed Out" from Twenty-One Pilots. I really do have to wake up and make some money.

I was talking with a good friend about what it means to live a life for God. Does God want the American dream for my life? Nice savings account, nice home, two cars, a wife and a few kids - who cares? It sort of made me realize how shortsighted I have been in the last couple years. Once I find a job and start working is that it? I am done? Just find someone to marry and die? Nah, forget that. If God wanted a life like that for me, He would have taken me a long time ago. So why? What is the reason for this life of mine?

To be happy? To fulfill all my momentary desires? To set some short and long term goals to challenge myself? Find a companion to bury the loneliness? Maybe. I do believe God gives us a little room to decide things for our lives, but something tells me I need to take the next few steps of my life with a lot prayer through fear and trembling. The honest truth of life is that it is too easy to find yourself alone and miserable. Even when I surround myself with family and friends, the night ends with just me and God. Did I even talk to you yet, Dude?

I pretty much have a job. Is it the job God wants for me? Is it where I need to be right now in my life? I don't know, but I don't think I have to. The stress of always feeling like I need to know the next step is exhausting. God is putting me in a place to fully rely and trust in Him. What door should I go through? Time to find a church!

God has been so good to me. Life has a great way of putting things in front of my mind. For some reason, my mind loves to take those things and twist them into thoughts that discourage and condemn. "You don't have a job because you suck." "You wasted the last 23 years of your life." "You start working, then what? In the end, no one really cares, right?" When I allow my mind to wander with my excess idleness from being unemployed, it only wants to stop me from focusing on God. Thank goodness I went on that two and half week trip to Hawaii right after I graduated. It allowed me to deal with some of my mental and emotional problems I have been ignoring since I started college. God also showed me how I have been making my career and future job the idol of my life. I was telling myself if I just got a sweet job with a good salary I would be set. But that is just a lie. If I did get a "dream job," I would only find myself setting up another goal. It never ends.

I need to find a balance of content in Jesus and motivation to grow in Him. I need to constantly ask myself, "What makes me happy?" Sometimes, I genuinely hate some of the answers I come up with. I think that is the wrong question to ask. How about this one: "What makes other people happy and joyful?" From my experience, a lot of things make people happy. Some of them last a long time and others last mere moments. What makes people joyful? Hmmm, the only thing I can come up with is a healthy relationship with someone. In my life, who is that "someone?" A woman? Hmmm, maybe. However, I feel as though God is telling me to focus and grow in my relationship with Him first. Every time I find myself not focusing on God everything feels empty. As soon as I remember that God is my reason for being, everything just makes sense.

God, show me the people you would have me know, work with, and, ultimately, love.

I feel like that is what God wants for me.

It doesn't stop the constant onslaught of horrible thoughts and doubts, but it is comforting to know that God is my constant in this big, unknown world I am beginning to experience.

People change, friends grow up, co-workers move on, but God....He is good.

MusicIsComplicated

I may have forgotten about this little corner of the internet.

My word, almost eight months have past since I wrote my last blog post. What on earth happened? Well, it isn't like I completely forgot about it. I was going to write one before school started, but I didn't really have anything I wanted to write about. The Fall semester ended and I still didn't feel like writing one. Now that school starts on Monday, I suppose I should write one before another eight months pass. As time goes on, my posts become more and more spread out. The good is that I have more to talk about, but I don't want to talk about what I have been up to every time I write one. I more enjoy writing up my thoughts on a topic that isn't my own life. 

It has been a good while, though. Basically, the last eight months have been the usual go to school, but I did get my first part-time job. I worked at an Amazon warehouse for about two months. It was a great experience. Meeting people, learning a job, disciplining myself to sleep and wake up at decent hours, and getting that sweet cash. I enjoyed it a lot, but waking up at 4 in the morning was brutal. So I quit about three weeks ago. Now I have to start finding an internship. 

Looking back at my old blog posts reminded me of all the things I ever thought about while I was growing up through my teen years. I really did cover a lot of different topics. It is interesting to see how I thought through certain issues. I can't help but feel like I wrote a post just like this one not too long ago. I just can't think of anything to write when I have already written about so many things.

Maybe that's why I haven't been writing as much as I used to. Topics are getting scarce. But I still love to talk about philosophy, and listen to great music. Great things can always be talked about over and over again. They're great because of their depth and complexity. If you could talk about something and cover everything there is to talk about in one conversation or blog post, was it even worth talking about? Though, I suppose there aren't that many simple topics out there. You can complicate anything. So I guess my favorite things to complicate are stories, philosophy, and music. I find the stories of others and of fantasy to be more interesting than my life. My life's goal is peace and quite, so that is kind of where it stops and ends for me. 

Being a person who claims to have found absolute truth and purpose, I feel like my soul has found peace. Finding things to worry or complain about is hard. Life is good. God is very good to me, too good, probably. I have been thinking about a story in my head for the last eight years or so. It has been a long and slow process since I am too lazy to put anything in writing, but I think I have the main plot and themes down. It makes me think about God and how he planned our story; His story. Sort of like an epic about a lost people who were found. I kind of like that story, pretty good. But my story ends on a sad note. Sort of like a reminder that when you write a story about man, it is going to end in pain. It is depressing, but I think that is what I aim to do with my story. Sort of like with my blog posts. When a friend of mine read an old post I wrote years ago, he said it made him think about his own life and how he thought about that particular issue. I told him, "Yes! That's my goal! When I write a blog post about a certain subject, I just want the reader to look at his own heart and mind and reflect on his own beliefs." Are they real? Are they true? Is that how you really feel about the topic? Have you even given it any thought? So with my story, I hope it will do the same. If I ever get around to writing it.

So when I ask myself why God allowed man to be broken, I ask myself why I made my characters broken. 

I dunno, it just makes me think about God in a different way. 

OneMeaningIsMeaningless

I went to Facebook (the once every few day visit, of course) and saw a big banner on my wall saying,

"Peace begins with love."

What a beautiful saying. It gave me pause to think about it, though. For me, a person who professes to be a believer in Jesus Christ, my definition for love is different compared to the definition of love from someone who doesn't profess Jesus as their personal savior. How would a person who isn't in Christ interpret that message? Love in the sense of liking something like cake or Friday nights? Love like the kind I have for my mother or baby sister? Love like the kind I have for my girlfriend or that special someone? What kind of love is that statement referring to?

Who knows.

I would imagine most people would assume the love we should have for everyone. I love my neighbor in the sense of respecting them and leaving them alone. What a pathetic definition we give to love. When someone says they love someone, everyone narrows it down to only three kinds of love: friendly love (likes to be around that person), familial love (blood-relation love, the purest form of love you can have for someone), and lustful love (the kind you can have for anyone you want to do things with...sexually). However, I want to point out a love that is missing from this list. The love we can have for others that don't have any of those qualities. The love that can't really be described because it is defined by the person who has it.

I remember writing a post a long time ago about how people are not capable of loving one another the way Jesus loves because they do not have the Holy Spirit, the author of our love. I want to come back to that with a little bit more wisdom and insight. People can have sacrificial love for others even without Jesus. However, this sacrificial love is broken. It is not whole and can only be performed at minimal capacity for someone without the power of the Holy Spirit. The love a mother has for her child is completely irrational and expected. A love so closely related to the love Christ has for us: irrational, expected, and undeserved. The broken nature we have is what causes that love to wane and sometimes (maybe most of the time) disappear or even turn into hatred. Thankfully, Jesus and his love for us is eternal and unconditional. But I digress. 

The love I am referring to is a love I have experienced with a very dear friend of mine. I loved him so much (I still do, so stop thinking otherwise) that I couldn't really explain what that love was. If someone was to ask me I would immediately answer with a typical response like, "I have the love of Christ for him!" Which, I hope, is true. But when he told me a while ago that he started dating someone, something inside me turned upside down. 

It felt wrong.

Now, what are you thinking about, Dear Reader? I can almost guarantee there is a thought in the back of your head right now, "wait, is he....coming out and saying...that he had romantic feelings for his friend?" 

And here comes the reason for this post.

The love I had for my friend was not romantic. No, not even close. I had no sexual feelings towards him, ever. The love I had was a selfish love. I was jealous when I found out he was dating someone. Wouldn't you only be jealous because YOU wanted to date him? No, I was jealous because I knew I wasn't the most important person in his life. I can probably safely say I was never the most important person in his life at any point in our friendship, but the fact that he was outwardly showing his affection towards someone other than me, bothered me. This selfish, clingy love that no one ever really talks about, is what I want to talk about in this post.

I started watching a show called Steven Universe over the Summer. There is a character, Pearl, who was very close to Steven's mother. She was sort of a servant and protected Steven's mother, Rose, with her life. At first, I thought of it as a love that one would have for a dear, close friend, similar to the love I have for my friends. As the show progressed it started to become painfully annoying and real how the love Pearl had for Rose turned more and more romantic. It got to the point where the love Pearl had for Rose competed with the love of the man Rose had a child with. Again, I related that to the feelings I had for my friend. A sort of love that isn't tangled in sexual lust, but more of a selfish longing to be with them forever. Both are equally wrong and immoral, but they are both different from each other. I feel like the show missed a really good opportunity to showcase the odd love two friends have for one another. The breaking point happened when Pearl sang the song "It's over isn't it?" Pretty much confirming the love Pearl had for Rose was purely romantic. On the other hand, when I think about how the world has its extremely narrow views of love, it was only natural for the show to play the lesbian card. Love between two people always has to have some sexual element to it. Why? Why can't two men love each other without the sexual desire? They can, but the world says otherwise.

This strange love is something I want to train and control. I think it is a marvelous thing, but can easily spiral into sin. For some reason, even us Christians confuse intimacy between friends with sexuality. The love I have for my friend is something I feel like I can carry over to my future spouse one day. Not transfer, but carry over. The darkness within our hearts messes with the pureness of love between people. It is unavoidable, but with the Holy Spirit, anything is possible.

Steven Universe showed me the beauty of love between friends and how that love can turn into obsession and selfish motivations. Can two people of the same gender decide to love each other and be with each other without being sexual? Yes, but that is like saying you can stay awake for a week without a moment of rest. Humans are evil at their core; we always manage to mess things up.

This love I am describing is something that is never spoken about simply because it is foreign to the world, and not acknowledged by fellow believers for the sake of unity. I want to talk about it. It's too beautiful to not talk about it.

I think the underlying problem with this subject is the definition we have for love. Is there a difference between the love I have for my mother and love I will have for my future spouse? Of course not. I want to have the love of Christ for everyone I meet. A selfless, sacrificial love that is too perfect to perform without the Holy Spirit. God blessed man with the woman, but when you think about the spiritual side of life, gender is unimportant, it is only important in this physical world. I am a man, but I am not defined by my body or even my mind. I am defined by Jesus and what he has and is doing. I have to completely detach myself from this body. Isn't that the point of becoming a believer? So why must I restrict my love based on a person's gender? Hardly, I am to have the same love for my future spouse as I do with my immediate family and friends.

The tricky part of this topic comes along when we talk about sexuality. Where does that fit in with God's love? I can't say why, but God really holds sex in high regards. He goes so far as to describe that act of sex as a man and woman becoming one. I equate this with the ultimate way two people can show, physically, their love for one another. God made this exclusive between a man and a woman. Two men cannot share this intimacy together, which is why the love I speak of is barely brought up. Sex is a reflection of the intimacy God desires to have with the church. Does that disgust you? It should. You and I, Dear Reader, both find this a repulsive thought, but that is only because we are sinners. In God's eyes, sex is one of, if not, the most beautiful things a man and woman can do with each other. Think about it, out of the act of sex, babies are made, the most innocent and purest creatures you will ever find on this earth. However, sex does not change the love that I have for my future spouse over the love I have for my family and friends. I am speaking on love, not physical intimacy, which, again, is exclusive between a man and a woman.

There is only one love for believers. The love of Jesus. Whether it be towards your mother, brother, spouse, girlfriend, or your friend, it is something disconnected to the physical world. The love Jesus gives us is spiritual. Don't narrow it down to something constrained to the physical world.

The love I have for the people around me is something I must not taint with jealousy, obsession, and sexual desire. It must be fueled by the Holy Spirit. Detaching the world's definitions of love with God's definition of love is so hard, but it is so worth it. I have experienced loving friendships devoid of sexual motivation. You can't find this kind of love in the world.

You simply can't.

PressResetOneMoreTime

The long pause on this blog shall end.

A lot has transpired over the last couple of months. For one, I have finished my first Summer class I have ever taken. Sadly, it probably wont be the last. But it was exciting, to say the least. I don't know, my Dear Readers, life just seems to be a vacuum for me. No matter how many times I reach the end of one year, the next one greets me with cold arms. The arms are getting colder every year.

I know it will end one day, but when is that day? When will the pieces start coming together? All I see are fragments. Fragments with no direction. The melancholy state is the easiest of all states. It requires no effort and sits well with my disposition. I still have that terrible habit of shutting out the outside world when I am busy with school. Yeah, I tend to do school eight out of the four months of the year, so that would make this particular habit a bad habit.

I thought this coming semester would require me to frequent two colleges. Thankfully, I wont be, but the bad news is that my remaining degree plan is not looking pretty. I mean 'taking a lot hard classes at once and for a long time' not looking pretty. Also, I probably wont graduate in four years. More like in five. You know what gets me every time? My naive and inexperienced mind.

Alright, let's get to the real stuff. My 'coming of age' growth is as slow as time, so we aren't moving anywhere anytime soon. Spirituality is where it's at! That changes every second. No, I am not exaggerating. I haven't attended a service regularly at all. In fact, I have carved it out of my schedule. I don't even consider it when the weekend comes around. The only thing that can change this is to surround myself with fellow believers. I believe it has come to a point where solitude does absolutely nothing when it comes to my walk with Jesus. I just can't do anything when I am left to myself. However, every single time I am with other fellow believers encouraging and being encouraged it is a completely different story. It's like the spirit within me wakes up. It goes back to sleep relatively fast when I am left to myself. My personal, intimate walk with Christ is as fresh as moldy bread. I always hear pastors talk about starting with your heart and working your way out. Maybe I have been doing it backwards this whole time. Reaching out to others is the last stage.

Listen, I know what I believe. My faith is in Christ. I believe he died and rose the third day for me. He died and shed his blood to restore my broken soul into perfect fellowship with God, Himself. I understand the morality, the crucial theology, and the increasing necessity to study Scripture. But.

But.

People are just too important. I feel like they are my motivation. My motivation should be Jesus, and only him. I believe I am doing it for him, but I also know I am doing it for others around me too. When I don't have one or the other I am lost. Just a stray sheep doing nothing with himself.

Dear Readers, if your still there, please pray for me. I know I'm not.

SubtlyConsuming

The semester is a semester of hardship. If things never get "worse," or a more popular word, "challenging," life would be boring. People would be correct to believe it. Challenge causes the mind to go outside what it knows and attempts to reach out into the unknown darkness we all know as Knowledge. It is something we spend our whole lives chasing after. The only pursuit worth anyone's time.

Why do I think it is a waste of time?

There is a war in my head. Logic tells me to head in one direction, but my heart pulls me in another. I always identified myself as a logical and reasonable person. The person who always basis his life on the question: "Why?" Unfortunately, time and time again I feel like I don't actually live my thought life in that manner. My emotions bury reasoning. My heart casts out any rationality. There are quite moments when I wish everything would just disappear and I would be left with myself, an empty shell. The Bible says my flesh yearns for sin. Honestly, my mind yearns for void. Nothing. Sitting still and staring at an empty screen is just as engaging as a relationship. The product of a life will always equal zero. Success, wealth, family, friends, happiness....fulfillment, all of it will be multiplied by zero, by death.

Being a Christian gives me some proverbial glimmer of hope. On the other hand, it also allows me to realize the futility of life and all that it entails. Everything truly is pointless without a constant. A constant you can build on. Absolute Truth has been a popular topic for debate since forever. Everyone does agree on one absolute truth: math. Math is an absolute. 1+1 will always equal 2. Always. It is comforting to know that there is a constant in our existence that is understandable. Something we can all nod to and say, "yes, I agree." Why doesn't that comfort me? Math doesn't love. Math doesn't ask me how I feel. Math doesn't wait for me.

The gift in knowing Knowledge is that you can never fully understand it. Yes, I know It. But I do not understand it. Yet when we narrow in on specific things we find in Knowledge, we disagree. Why? Because we don't understand it. Why? Just because I don't understand how the universe came into being doesn't mean it didn't come into being. Applying this logic to everything means that I am disabled by my own strength to truly understand anything. Sure, I know some math and basic survival abilities, but I will never attain perfect Knowledge in anything.

A very wise man told me there will be days I wont feel like doing anything. I wont feel like opening my Bible. I wont feel like praying. I wont feel like forgiving. I wont feel like loving. I wont feel. It wasn't days. It is months. It is better for a person to never know God and die than to know Him and walk away. I truly believe it to be so. Nothing brings more pain than to turn your back on the One who loves you. Why is it so easy to do? Do I love the way I should? No. Do I act the way I should? No. Do I believe the way I should? No.

I. Don't. I. Can't.

Therefore, let there be doubt.

I had a discussion with a good friend a while ago and he said it. He said, "how can you be sure that what you believe, is true?" So I sat there and thought about. Sat and thought. Pondered in silence. Sat and meditated. Two seconds later I came to a conclusion: "I am not sure if what I believe is true."

Therefore, let there be doubt.

Again, applying simple logic to life causes one to lose all desire to pursue anything at all. Why? There is no hope for attaining Knowledge, there is no reason to try, and there is nothing I can truly understand. So why don't people just kill themselves?

Logic tells me to head in one direction, but my heart pulls me in another. My heart drowns the truth. My soul screams to live. Something is telling me to take another breath. It must be my heart. What drives my being to live? Why does it live, but desires to die? Why? Why? Why?

Knowledge. It is something we spend our whole lives chasing after. The only pursuit worth anyone's time. What is Knowledge? Hm, you tell me, Dear Reader. After all, you will never be certain.

Therefore, let there be doubt.

TheLastOfMe

One year from this day I will be in the middle of my university studies. Yeah, I'll still be in school 365 days from now. Who know how long I have left. Maybe two more years? Longer? God, please, let this cave have an end!

People of the older variety plead for me to treasure these care-free days of growth and learning. I am. Well, I am to the best of my ability.

Last year was filled with college, highs, lows, and new experiences. It was a year God gave me to grow. I did grow. Did I profit at the end? Sure, one less year of college I wont have to do.

I don't know. My life seems to be at a standstill until I graduate with my degree. Something is going to happen this year. Besides the transfer to university, I mean. Romance? Funny, actually. I feel like me and God are having a few good chuckles when it comes to my love life. There are absolutely zero prospects in my sight. Every girl I come across is either dating, married, or disqualified for various reasons.

I don't think my non-existent love life is coming anytime soon.

So I am taking Calculus this upcoming semester. I will finally set foot into the world of math. Oh, physics too. What have I gotten myself into. I might have to actually study this semester! My first B might slap me across the face this semester. Ah, time for some humble pie. I've been waiting for this. I would like to think my self-confidence isn't based on grades and achievements, but sadly it is almost impossible for me to separate the two. The point is to learn, not to show my knowledge or skill. I have to start drilling that into my head this semester if I want to remain sane. Was I ever sane?

A Hawaii trip is looming on the horizon. Do I walk towards that horizon? The choice is not mine, especially when you have a group of people who need to get their butts moving.

The first couple weeks of the new year have been rough. Slow days and a terrible sleeping schedule will cause your brain to plateau in vitality. It's called laziness, I think. Not a great zone to be in when the biggest semester yet is only one week away.

God is there. He always has been. It is me that is out of it. Whenever life throws me a ball faster than ten mph, I start to get a headache. My life is the definition of blessed. Yet I wake up cursing under my breath. Maybe it is time to re-evaluate my life for the millionth time. You know, for Jesus's sake.

Perhaps all I need is to get busy again. The gym has been great, but I need to add to my skeleton schedule. Four classes with two being brutal? It's a start. I have finished the last of history and English classes. This semester will be the last batch of basic classes. It's time to grow up from a freshman to a junior. Dear Readers, we are still doing it. Not by my or your strength. Only by the power of God. Without that? You can bet your sold goat I would be at Costco giving out those coveted free samples. Hmm, that's doesn't sound too bad, actually.

Yep, definitely time to re-evaluate my career path.

NewYear'sResolutionBOYZ

You thought it. I denied it. The tears were real that day.

Alright, they did it. Colored me impressed. I wasn't skeptical. I just braced myself for mediocrity. J. J. Abrams didn't 'wow' me with Star Trek. I mean, I am not a big fan of that franchise anyways. Cover me in feathers and call me a ostrich, He did it. Of course, it wasn't just him. He got a lot of help.

I marathoned the original trilogy to psych myself up for opening day. It was worth it, to say the least. Many would argue its faults and how Empire Strikes Back is still the king of Star Wars. I am not going to argue with nostalgia. He is a tough and immortal opponent. Go ahead, cling to your past. I shall eagerly await my future with the new trilogy. However, there is till that fear of the next two movies tanking. We should probably hold a 24-hour prayer meeting...

I have viewed this movie twice. As a Star Wars fan, I applaud its near perfect attempt in attaining the same atmosphere as the original trilogy. The CGI and special effects were not overused. The new characters are easily lovable and awesome. The music is new enough to be fresh and old enough to remind us that this is, indeed, a legitimate sequel to the most loved story in all movie history. A solid 9/10. Let's hope the next two movies push this new trilogy into a beautiful 10/10.

The New Year is upon us. This is my 19th one. Nothing to boast about. New Year's Resolutions didn't catch my interest. I have done many lifestyle changes out of necessity, not choice. Now that I am becoming more of an adult I am starting to realize the independence that is being steeled to my being. There are optional choices before me. What to do? By God's blessings I have been graced with abundance in every physical and spiritual need. The question is what to do with my surplus. Perhaps a few more video games to drown in? Look deeper into my major? Binge on some Netflix? All those things have already been tested and found to be worthless over the last ten years. What, then, shall I do? A New Year should be beaming with opportunity and a time to recollect and examine the good and the bad of the past year.

"How can I change myself for the better?"
"Oh! I don't know. Maybe stop doing bad things and start doing good things. DERP."
"YOUR FACE IS DERP!"

                                                                               ~Missingnomer and Flight 

No matter how old you get there will always be something to improve in your life. Progress is infinite for a human. Being a middle-class American citizen means that the world is literally my oyster. Education? Travel? Ministry? Career? Family? All of the above? I don't know. They all sound good. All of them are life goals. Pretty far-reaching, if you ask me. I personally like to go with the small goals and ignore the large ones. How about finishing my degree? And....hmmmm....

I got gym membership.

Hold it, Dear Readers. It is common for people to get gym membership at the start of a new year. Wont I just end up quitting within the first month like the rest? WRONG! It costed me too much (literally) to just quit. I have invested (literally) and I plan to reap. The focus is to get healthy and take care of my body. Don't worry. I am not turning into a health nut, far from it. Shaving a few pounds and gaining some muscle wont hurt anybody....except maybe me.

StopLyingTo[Myself]

WARNING: This post is filled with anime analysis, so if you don't watch anime or know anything about otaku* culture then you might not understand everything I bring up in this post, my apologies

The irrepressible desire to warm one's own heart. Whether it be desires or hobbies, it all somehow finds it way back to companionship; relationships. As time slowly churns throughout life, no person can truly admit satisfaction without the proper relationships. Humans are designed to desire one another. Each person approaches this desire in different ways, but the ultimate goal remains the same: companionship. The more I expose myself to media, daily life, and simple observation, the more I realize that my entire focus is to bond with other people. The odd thing is that this is good. However, the good seems to vanish very quickly when I start to examine the fine print. The motives behind my desire for interpersonal relationships are selfish, to say the least. Reaching out to others is just a way to confirm existence and through that confirmation gain worth. Imagining my current life apart from others results in a painful headache. Although my life is about eighteen years and eleven and one-half months old, everything leading up to the present has been a pathetic attempt to gain credibility as a human being. The success rate has fluctuated consistently.

Most of my worries and concerns stem from the fact that I don't have consistent friendships among a diverse group of people. It all started with anime and puberty. Oh, and let's not forget the beginning of my homeschooling life. Over-exposure to unrealistic depictions of teenage life (anime), extraction of daily peer interaction (public school), and larva mode (puberty) all came at the worse time possible; the same time. As my mind was being jumbled by hormones, I developed Chuunibyou**. It wasn't anything extreme, eh, now that I sit hear typing away...it was an extreme case in a way. The first few years of homeschooling life was filled with nothing but crazy daydreams about fantasy and "what if" scenarios. "What if a girl all of a sudden fell for me? How would that play out?" At the time, anime and my own personal experience (experience = 0) were all I had to build the outside world. Making friends, how people react to situations, daily life, and even romance, it was all based off of preconceived ideas of a 12 year old reinforced by the onslaught of otaku pandering. Ah! What a tragedy!

I lived a life of arrogant ignorance till I started to mature into the latter years of adolescence. Re-examining my life during that time causes me to blush. How on earth could I have been foolish enough to have believed those obvious lies? Anime is supposed to be unrealistic and exciting. My life wasn't exciting (no one would argue that point) so I felt inadequate. Was I missing out on my youth? I felt like the homeschool life was sapping away my precious experiences. Making tons of new friends, having fun doing fun things, and even encountering the opposite sex were all foreign concepts. The only window into that world I peered through was stained with globs of moe*** lies, but at the the time I believed them to be true. I thought that a regular student should have at least 3-10 friends and have about 1-3 romantic prospects. Forget those lame expectations. Anime damaged my thought process when it came to people and social situations in general. It is hard to explain since I am not a great writer, but it made me think about people in an ungodly way. I thought friends were necessary for a fulfilled and happy life. I thought romance was painful, unpredictable, and wavering. All lies.

Friendship is not the culmination of life. It is a gift we share with one another. Living a life for friendships is simply not right. Anime always told me to discard everything in the name of friendship. The way friendships were so highly regarded in anime made me place it on a pedestal it didn't deserve. Yes, friendships are supremely important for a healthy social life, but it would be incorrect to strive towards friendship as a reason to live. Many animes even went so far as to say a life without friends is worthless. Although I may sound like I am downplaying friendships, please realize what I am trying to say. Friendships are amazing things to have, and we should always cherish them for as long as possible, but it is not necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. It would be very difficult to strive for a satisfactory life void of friendship, but if someone did find themselves struggling to find a decent friend they shouldn't quit on life. Friendships are something that must be earned through hard work and kindness. It isn't some trophy to display to gain some sort of worth. Real friends are few in number. I don't know many people who have more than two or three close friends, yet I somehow base my happiness off of how many people I have talked to and hung out with during the week. If I spent most of my time by myself, I was supposedly wasting my time. Perhaps I was. Anime told me what friends are and how essential they are to life. It had a few encouraging things to say about friendships, not all of it was bad. But the overall message was still false. In the end, I realized that real friends are there for support. Not for fun. Fun is just an added bonus to the friendship. It is okay to have only one or two (or even none) good friends in a lifetime. Everyone has or had a friendship(s) sometime in their life. How did they treat it? What was it to them? I answered these questions by anime standards. I always treated the few friends I had with overwhelming love and devotion. When a friendship ended, I was devastated. During my homeschooling years, I had virtually zero friends which caused me to hate my life. Friendships are everything, right? Wrong. They are important, but they aren't everything.

Anime didn't just distort my view on friendships, but the way a boy should perceive a girl. Many (all?) anime shows portray women as beautiful sexual objects for men or at least depict beautiful girls in dire need for the main character to save them from some dire circumstance. Notice how I describe them as beautiful? Ugly girls don't exist in anime. As a pubescent teen, I was bombarded with female characters with "ideal" body features that every boy dreams about. Big boobs, perfect curves, perfect skin, perfect smile, everything about female anime characters scream plastic surgery. My view on women was fake and unrealistic, to say the least. Whenever I looked at a girl I always compared her to some anime girl. Do they ever measure up to my anime standards? Never. Because they are fake. It was either perfection or nothing. It wasn't just the unrealistic bodies. The personality of the girl has to be juuust like the girls in anime: always drooling over the main character, falling for him as soon as he helped them weed a garden (not even joking about that one), helpless and hopeless without a male presence. Yeah, like a chick is going to fall for me if I tell them they look pretty (quite the opposite, actually). Presently, I know better than to think of women as mere objects or helpless damsels in distress. They are human beings who are created and loved by the same Maker who made me. Let's just not forget how easily a young boy's mind can be corrupted by puberty-driven character design.


Romantic relationships are an entirely different can of worms. Anime has taught me two terrible things concerning romance: 1) women will fall in love with you if you do particular things, and 2) romantic relationships reach their climax after each person reciprocates their feelings for one another. In other words, the relationship will end in success after they become a couple. There is nothing wrong with a good romcom now and again. It is fine to have shallow relationships and character development in film (look at me getting into proper film making again), but it is not fine when you start to adopt these ideals for your own life. Dear Reader, you must realize that I have watched dozens of animes that portray these deceitful one-dimensional relationships. I have come to the realization that women don't think that way. 99.99% (.....errr, maybe more like 90%) of women will not fall in love with me if I give them some kindness and attention. Women aren't shallow, one-dimensional creatures. Romantic relationships aren't just about the physical. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that romantic relationships are purely based on the emotional level. One could argue for a spiritual side, and you would be correct. But a relationship between a man and women can only work if they are both emotionally compatible and physically attracted to one another. Romantic relationships aren't based purely on how spiritually in-sync two people happen to be.

The last, but probably most damaging, affect anime has had on me as a growing boy would have to be how anime portrays men. Stoic, muscular, a strong sense of justice, and overwhelming compassion. Sure, those are great adjectives for a great man. Again, bring this back to reality. No man is like that... All men are sinners and strive for themselves, not others. It was good to admire the men of anime as role models, but remember, I took these standards as general standards of life. Deceit and selfishness are very real things that every man will fight against. Lust is an attribute that every dude in anime has. I knew since day one of puberty that men crave a women's body, but anime told me to embrace that lust, not rule it. So I allowed my lust to consume my mind. Lust is a part of life, there is no escaping it. But willingly feeding it is not what the Maker desires. To feed lust is to feed my sinful nature. I must die to that lust daily. Ah, so manly and holy. Let's be honest, Dear Readers. You and I both lose to our vices, daily. Doesn't that make the Savior all the more beautiful? Another post for another time!

I bring up this topic because I find myself slinking back into this old mindset. Thankfully, I am wise enough to catch myself before it is too late. Now that I am fully enjoying Summer, my homeschool lifestyle is catching up to me. I don't interact with people daily anymore, and free time is abundant. Both of these factors have resulted in me jumping back into the otaku world. Over the past month I have delved into anime like a demented scuba diver, exposing myself to these terrible falsehoods about masculinity, relationships, and women again. I noticed my depression started to creep up once I started to watch animes that grossly over value friendship. It made me look at my current circumstances in disdain. It made me feel like I didn't have any real friends because I don't see them five times and week and talk to them about everything. I don't have seven friends to do fun things with. I don't have romance! Good Lord. Suffice it to say, I laughed and started to resent myself when I realized what was happening. I was measuring myself to anime standards yet again. Not only that, I was beginning to view women as objects yet again. Why is it so easy to overshadow truth with convenient lies?

I came across this music video called ME!ME!ME!**** It is a grotesque and sexually explicit music video about an otaku. The music video basically depicts the life of a man who has become addicted to anime porn and the otaku lifestyle. He neglects his girlfriend and later realizes the pain he caused to her and tries to fight his addiction. Sadly, he loses to his addiction and remains a slave to it. But the video is purely based upon individual interpretation. My interpretation of it is this:

Addiction, in this case the otaku lifestyle (relevant to my life), is a very very dangerous problem. If a person over exposes himself to anime, it warps his view on life (hence the crap ton of writing above). It resonated with me since I was just thinking about those particular things when I found this video. Of course, my thoughts above do not only apply to just anime. Anime was simply one of the many forms of deceit I took part in. Books and real life situations can also easily distort reality.

My view on life and people change depending on my current situation. They shouldn't, yet they are. It is strange how humans judge by their feelings. Feelings are too sporadic, too unpredictable to be considered a correct way to judge one's life. I know the correct standards, and I know the right way to think. Unfortunately, I am human. My emotions will distort my expectations. One of the many flaws of mankind is the need for consistent accountability. As soon as something constant is left out of the equation, all that is left is wavering spontaneity. I don't want uncertainty to rule my life, yet I allow it to be so at every turn.

My parents have warned me throughout my childhood (and even to this day) that anything and everything that I expose myself to will affect me. Whether it be positive or negative, it will affect my person. I always dismissed this warning since I believed myself to be of a strong and healthy mind. Oh, my mind is healthy (right?), but it sure isn't strong. The influence is subtle, ever so subtle. Frighteningly subtle. It took two months of this subtle influence to sprout its ugly head from the ground once Summer started. I recognize its sinister grin. I kept it company for long enough during the pubescent stage of my life. I warn my Dear Readers to self-evaluate your standards. I can rant and rave about the perfect standard we have in the Maker, but I wont. The standard of the Maker is the standard for life. Just as the sky is blue when the sun is shining, so is perfection for the standard of the Maker.

Here I am with another bout of depression. Anime life looks so amazing! The fantasy! The romance! The friendships! It all looks so much better than my current life. A lot of things look better than my current life. Am I doing something wrong? Yes and no. I can't possibly live the perfect life, but I can try. Measuring oneself to standards not based on the Maker's Word is wrong. That is clear. Therefore, may I not look at others (whether they be real or fake anime characters) with envy. I am satisfied with the relationship I share with the Maker, but that is another post for another rant for another time.

Take care Dear Readers!


* Otaku - A lifestyle of over-indulgence in anime, manga, and video games

** Chuunibyou - Eighth Grade Syndrome; basically an anime term for an over-imaginative mind that allows its fantasies to invade the real world i.e. girls have a tendency to fall in love with boys who act nice towards them or you're the demon lord of the underworld....

*** Moe - Basically a term used to refer to anime-related elements i.e. shy, overtly cute, feisty, etc. fake and unrealistic attributes usually tacked onto female characters in animes

**** Please don't watch this video if you don't watch anime and are offended by explicit gore, nudity, and sensuality.


DISCLAIMER: If you believe any of this, then I am not sorry....because it is just too obvious that this is just plain, ignorant, and foolish rambling. Thanks for putting up with me Dear Readers. On to the next topic!

TwentyAndFourPlusOneAlongWithTenMore

Fast-forward one more year and it doesn't make a difference. The trail extends forth another 365 days. The sun sets and rises with death and life lingering close by. Nothing escapes the continuous trek that time seems to ceaselessly endeavor to accomplish. It has no idea that the trek it undertakes lasts indefinitely. It sort of reminds me about my life. Living life is like time. Treading ever so carefully, not having a care in the world even though no one knows that the next turn can greet us with cold nothingness. Is that what drives us? Curiosity? What will happen in the future? Will I experience the end of everything? It hardly crosses our mind, but subconsciously it may constantly be on our minds. Is today the day that it ends?

It crosses my mind once in a while. Does this meal mean anything? What about that long night pouring over my notes? If I fell off the face of the earth...would God catch me?

The insignificance that weighs upon my soul is starting to get heavy. Like a rock that seems to grow like a festering wound. You must be saying to yourself, "why must he type such self-loathing words?" Is it really self-loathing? Or am I just facing the reality that we all dwell in? We were created to amuse the Almighty. That's it. To worship Him and glorify Him. Now, being a human this infuriates me. It is the very definition of anger. My life is centered on a Being who simply wants me to worship Him. Wow. If that sits right with your soul then I applaud the blindness you have given yourself. Living in the Spirit is something that I have yet to accomplish. However, I do believe it to be impossible to live in the Spirit at all times. For me being at peace and harmony with the Spirit happens once in a blue moon. That amazing, almost creepy, peace that washes over you when you are sitting in utter praise and worship for Him happens too far and between. But maybe that is why I keep living. To experience that moment one more time. Just to imagine that moment....

Time is pushing me closer and closer to the door of death. I can see it clearly. It is anticipating my arrival. I look forward it it, honestly. I want to know the truth. I looked through the keyhole and saw two things: Jesus is everything, and He loves me. When I die, I am going to tear the door of death down and fall on my knees and see the Truth in its entirety.

TamingTheSplinteredShadow

The middle of December always brings back the memories of the past year. What have I done to advance the Kingdom? Nothing worth mentioning, probably. A lot has happened though.

Moving here and starting a new life in an unknown land will rattle anyone's psyche. It is bearable. The journey is long and silent. Too silent for my liking. But I figured if I am to make new friends God will show them the way to me. I am done worrying and concerning myself when it comes to friendship. Friends come in good time and not much time has passed. A year ago I would probably classify this feeling that I have as depression, however, I neglected to mention that I only had four hours of sleep last night. It may affect the way I perceive reality...maybe.

My first semester in college is officially over. And YES. I made A's in all four classes. Don't start clapping just yet. Those four classes were light. I have a feeling the next semester will test my mettle. Five big old classes with large weapons await me in the new year. Just let me enjoy the month of laziness (aka Missingnomer Time). Thinking on the papers and tests I will have to study for make my head ache (is that just the lack of sleep talking again?).

The closing of the year is always a gloomy prospect. Just when you think you finished the good fight another year comes around the corner fresh from the bench. I think that is why we invented Christmas and New Year. Without those two calming holidays I would probably tear my clothes.

Speaking of Christmas! Nathan is coming back home to our new house for the first time. At least his presence will tide over the friendship hole for a couple of weeks. Apparently I will be attending a Bible study starting in the Spring, but who knows what might happen. If it is God's will....please let me make one good friend here in Texas.

Last week at church I heard a message that encouraged me. More importantly, it changed my outlook on life as a Christian. Stress, struggles, hate, and suffering are all in this glorious package known as the Christian Life. No Christian is immune to it. I should embrace this suffering. Without it I am nothing but an empty shell of faith, right? No man can love without hate. No man can forgive without holding a grudge. These things define us as humans on this earth. Heartache can only empower our walks. My heartaches are what make me feel alive. Even the depression and sorrow are fruits of my life. I am ashamed of them, but I have to accept them. Living in a broken world will scar you. It will scar you really bad. Praise God.

Joyous Christmas, Dear Readers. May we all see the next year with the eyes of the Maker.

"Songs for the End and New Year" - By Missingnomer

1. (Pretty Much Every Song By These Guys) - Colony House

2. Like the Dawn - Oh Hellos

3. Brother - Mighty Oaks

4. Oblivion - Bastille

5. See Me Now - The Kooks

6. O - Coldplay

7. I Know - Tom Odell

8. One - Ed Sheeran

9. Coming of Age - Foster the People

10. Lifting the Sea - The Hunts

CollegeWithATouchOfScarf

What have I been up to for the last month? No good! Well, at least in my book. But I think most people would disagree with me. I set up my colleges. Yup, I am ready to go. My classes are all chosen. I start at the end of August.

Is this what I am suppose to pursue?

I always thought that college was a waste of everyone's time and money, but to be honest....I don't really care for the education. I just want to be around people again. The classroom atmosphere, the buzzing of humans, and the constant pressure to perform and do my duties. I need something like that. The last year has been smooth sailing. I enjoyed it greatly, but this chapter must end. A new one must begin. A chapter that will define the rest of my life:

The college years. (Que depressing piano/cello duet)

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am, indeed, anxious. But I feel excitement more than anything else. I think I am ready for this new adventure. Can I really call it an adventure? I will be commuting from home, so I wont be living anywhere new. Ah, at least it will be an adventure for those brief hours at the college. My schedule looks relaxed, which is greatly welcomed.

Oh! On another note. I finally turned 18. Great, now I have no excuse to get my driver license. I don't mind driving, I actually enjoy it. But the people driving alongside me are too much. Why is everyone in such a rush? Speeding through yellows, honking their horns, going 10 mph over the speed limit, and just being plain inpatient. America needs to take a chill pill if you ask for my professional opinion. I like to take things slow. Which is obviously the right way to go about things, after all, it is my preference. Pftt, pathetic.

Don't be too jelly of my scarf now, babe

Wow, I got cynical really fast. I really have to watch myself when I talk with people that aren't family. I am just too used to spouting what I think. I mean, why would you ever speak honestly with strangers? Lord forbid, right?

So now that I am 18 I have to start thinking like an adult, WRONG. I was always thinking like an adult since I turned 13. I have just been honing my thought process for the last 5 years. I can say with confidence that I am think like a mature and wise 65 year old man. You know, I don't wanna give myself too much credit.

Hmmm, I think college is going to give me a good dose of reality. Along with a good dose of friends and fun times! Ah, the naivety of a new 18 year old man-child.

I expect my first semester to be eye-opening. Girls falling in love with me and my scarf, boys being jelly of my scarf, teachers praising me and my scarf, and people just being jelly when they see me going to college in said scarf. Life is going to be kind to me and my scarf. Surely no one will not care for me and my Scarf, right?

Well, this is the end of Volume V. I can't believe I have been doing this for 2 years. I remember when I first started. It was the last night before my Elder Sage Siblings were both heading to college to leave me as an only child for the next 2 years. In those 2 years I grew and found out a lot about myself. Most of it was depressing and infuriating, but I learned to love myself, flaws and all, just like Jesus does. However, I am still growing, still learning, still beating the same old trees, still. But that is okay, I am human after all. If God expected us to be relatively perfect he would be the biggest hypocrite in the history of history.

"Last time I checked, God isn't a hypocrite. I am. He isn't flawed. I am."

                                                                                                      ~Missingnomer (yup, I am gooooood)

Sadly (but still true) those words will take me the rest of my life to accept.

SomePointsToSmootheOut

Things are starting to pan out, I think. You ever been through one of those, "There are way too many new things happening at once!" Feelings? Cause when you have nothing going on and then are thrown into the "get into college right now" pit it sure feels that way....

Some people, er, maybe most people would say that I should make some acquaintances. I would have to agree, secluding myself to just family is not the best. I need a fresh perspective on life. The stagnant days that pass by in the house suffocate any emotions of excitement or adventure. College seems to be that antidote my poisoned body needs. Not that seclusion and isolation is a bad thing, it is actually something I believe everyone should have. That short period of aloneness (I don't think that is a word) makes you appreciate others. I miss my friends, but now there is a new opportunity to make new ones. New, that seems to be the word of my life for the last five months. I can't say I welcome its company.

After watching that long video (which was actually very short when I started to watch it) made by my Elder Sage Sibling I actually miss the ocean. Who would of thunk?

Ah, the sweetness of memories. The sweetness is actually too sweet. If I dwell on it for too long it starts to sting my mind-tongue. When I finished watching it, all I wanted to do was make more memories. Can you guys make my wish come true? Only a few thousand dollars away! That's chump change when you think about it. *cough*

In all seriousness, life has been a bevvy of pondering. How can one go about thinking about the nature of life so much? Everyday I find myself thinking about it. Is this like, the last stage of puberty or something? Ahaha, if it is I must say, it is the hardest stage by far. I have never found myself in so much dilemmas concerning my life. My Christian walk just complicates everything. I keep focusing on all the negatives and give no time to the positives. Free-time, AWESOME! But unproductive. So very unproductive, but no one says I have to be productive, yet. Though now I am actually starting to enjoy this life a leisure. The hourglass is starting to run out, so I shall gladly enjoy these remaining months.

Life in America is simple, dangerously simple. But having no responsibilities is so nice. Now that I am signing up for college I have tasted the slight tang of responsibility. In fact, I am just about ready to sign up or classes. Do I like it? Why would you even ask that? It is on the same line of asking someone if they enjoyed their open heart surgery. NO! It was terrible! The thing is that I will have to get used it. Sitting in class again. I haven't done that in 7 years. I might be out of touch. I am too used to the teacher not noticing my loud snoring. Video homeschooling, what a privilege I took for granted.

All I seem to talk about is college and the intricacies of life. But that is what is real in my life right now. What is real in your life right now? I would love to hear about your problems too. 

My sister and I finished watching an anime together. Yeah! Crazy, huh? It seems like I corrupted another person, HUH?!?!?

I re-watched Fate/Zero with her. I watched it a couple of years ago and claimed it to be my favorite anime show ever (if you ever bothered to look an my MAL account you would realize that me saying something like that is kind of a big deal). Now that I watched it a second time it refreshed everything. Now I love Fate/Zero even more. The two (three if you wanna get deep) main questions that the show asks are, "What makes someone virtuous? Who decides that?" And the second question is, "What truly makes somebody a king?" The latter question is a bit odd to ask just anybody, but I believe every Christian should delve into it. After all, Jesus is supposedly the King of Kings, right? What makes somebody a king? 

When we finished the show I wanted to hear her thoughts on it. I am obviously extremely biased when it concerns Fate/Zero, so I wanted to see if other people shared my same thoughts and feelings towards it. She seemed unresponsive to it. She claimed the show to be very depressing and sad (both valid facts). But I was looking past that and trying to see what the author was conveying to the audience. He questioned the very fabric of humanity, which I do all the time. There are no answers to these questions, we can attempt to answer them, but someone will always see the answer to be something else entirely. I can't claim to know the right answers to these questions, but I love dwelling on them and discussing them with others. Not only are the questions the show poses life changing, but the story and characters that come along with the extremely mature thematic elements all tell an amazing story. 

Ha, I just promoted an anime. I deserve money.....

TheUnraveledJoy

I find myself pausing a lot in life. A pause to reflect, and a pause to regret. Ah, I like that....

Life is just a trail we all walk. It just so happens that I am on the Christian trail, which happens to be very narrow and depressing. But shouldn't a Christian be happy? Nope. Just joyful in the slightest sense. I am joyful! Joyful because I have everlasting life and eternal forgiveness and acceptance. However, the ticket to a happy life is nothing but a childish pipe dream. Reality has so many things in store for me, good and bad. I should take it in strides. Then again, playing it slow is also nice.

I am comfortable right now. But isn't that bad? Maybe.

I sent my SAT and GED scores to the college I have chosen. All that is left is a Meningitis vaccination. Things are moving along, but it feels so mundane. I know what is going to happen. Go to college, get my piece of paper, get a job, etc etc. Having a life planned out isn't so bad. I suppose watching so many movies and TV shows makes me obligated to have an exciting and mysterious life, but really, what does that accomplish? Peaceful and uneventful, sounds good to me.

Everyone has their beliefs and convictions, so do I. But is it right to press those beliefs onto others? Maybe, but how do I share to someone without coming off as a self-righteous dweeb? I guess I'll find out as time goes on.

I tell my family that I consider myself to be wiser and smarter than most people, but in saying that does that make me foolish and stupid? Can a wise person ever claim to be wise? If I think myself as wise, am I? True wisdom comes from Above, I know that. I read the Bible sometimes, I pray, and I glean from others who have experience, but to truly KNOW something don't you have to experience it yourself? 

Some people go through terrible things in life and others, like me, have yet experience anything of consequence. Is that a blessing? Or a curse?

A few things have been bothering me for a while, and they should! Often I find myself forgetting the problems in front of me. Things that shouldn't be pushed to the side. Who is God? What is God? Why should I care? Is it possible to care? We are humans. We were created, but for what purpose? To give glory to the One who made us? If you take God and turn Him into just another human being than wouldn't we just call that person arrogant and childish? Making an entire universe just to give Himself glory? Are you stupid? But I don't fell that way. I actually feel honored. Why is that? Is it BECAUSE He is God? Or because His reasons are so holy and righteous you just can't get mad at Him?

But people are mad at Him! Either through ignorance or sin, we all have a punch we would very much like to give God. I wouldn't mind giving Him a couple of good punches to were it really hurts, but I am not angry at Him. Just confused. Am I brainwashed or insane? Who really knows why I believe what I believe. It sounds like it is straight out of a fairy tail written by a mad man. 

Logic itself goes against God. Why?

My mind is starting to hurt, but through all the questions and confusion I am at peace.

A peace that transcends human understanding. 

BurningTheMidnightOil

Being someone who doesn't have any responsibilities you tend to find yourself wanting to try new things. I did. What new thing, you ask? Well, why don't I try experiencing life on the other side? There are two parts in the day: day and night. I never really experienced a 12 hour night....awake. So here I am doing the wackiest thing I have ever done in my life: living during the night and sleeping during the day. The eerie calm at night makes it easier to relax, but after a few days of experiencing this I am going to revert back to normal. Life at night is pretty boring since the outside world is closed off to a minor. Without a driver license I can't do anything but sit here in the darkness and write a blog post.

I wanted to thank my Dear Readers for the extremely encouraging comments! I know I am being a stick in the mud, but these things really do concern me. Sitting around and doing nothing all day sounds like a blessing, but for some obvious reason I feel unfulfilled. I really want to go to college, but something keeps suppressing those desires. My existence is a conundrum at best. If I spend too much time thinking about life I find myself in a state of depression. Which is horrible! I should look on life positively. Is this just another side affect of adolescence? I sure hope so.

The parents and I will be heading off to New Mexico for the Eldest Sage Sibling's graduation. Am I excite? Not really. But the idea of driving hundreds of miles into another state does sound fascinating since I have been confined to an island for most of my life. However, I recently heard that shortly after graduation he will head to Idaho. Da heck? Idaho? All I know about Idaho is that potato people live there. Plus, it is so far removed from our location. Hmmm, this might work in my favor. A surprise visit from Yours Truly sounds like fun.

The family is growing up, indeed. A frighting prospect since I still see us as little kids kicking around in the dirt. For the last two years I have had to spend my 16th and 17th year alone, as a single child. This short two year period of being an only child confirmed a few things. One being that I relied on them a lot for many things, and two being that I really had no one to talk to without them. I am so thankful for my siblings. Without them I would have probably ended up as I am now. Alone and cynical. Having two people close to you not only redefines your character, but also makes you a better person. For all of you single kids out there, you have my sincerest sympathies. Now that I am turning 18 I will be considered an adult. Even though that day is coming up in a few months, I can say for sure that I don't 'feel' like an adult. I probably wont until I move out, which is, thankfully, at least 10 years away. Aha, I am kidding.....? *insert evil smile*

Growing up is scary, I wont lie. It is so ironic thinking back to when I was a tween, I always wanted to be an adult. Now being 17, I plead with youth to stay with me forever. Saddening. Adulthood is starting to creep up on my Elder Sage Siblings and seeing them change and mature makes me think about my growth. When the rubber meets the pavement will I have the drive to live a good, Christian life? Will I eat my vegetables without being told? Will I work hard? Ack, why can't I just forget about this stuff?

As time passes on I am finding out more and more as to how much of a coward I really am. It is very humbling, embarrassing, and annoying.

TheEssenceOfLife

Volume V already, huh? It has been almost two years since I started this blog... Time sure does move fast when you are the least aware of it.

Being the last teenager in my family gives me exclusive privileges to be naive. After all, I am just a teenager! I will only be able to play this card for a couple more years till I will have to, sadly, revoke that right. Being in your late teens in America. What is that like, exactly? It is just downright cruel. Uncertainty is the definition of my life since I turned 17. Question after question. some answered and some not. My dilemma starts with my future. What direction should I take? Kids usually find a dream or a goal to aspire to, don't they? I don't really have a dream. Nothing grabs my immediate attention.



Sports: Nah.
Occupation: Nothing
Social life: Da heck is that?
Goals in life: Why bother?

Being a Christian makes you realize two very depressing things in life:

1) You are absolutely hopeless.

2) Everything you achieve on this Earth will soon be reduced to zero when your life comes to a 'dead' end.

Of course I want to have a good job with a comfy house; nothing but a cushy life. That's the best, right? Sure, for now. But what about after you die? If I spend my whole life chasing after meaningless, temporal things then wouldn't I have wasted it? Wouldn't I have allowed my very existence to slip through my fingers? I figure I should only put minimal effort into my career. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not giving myself a free pass to be lazy. I should aspire to live a prosperous life. A good life, so I can provide for a family and treat them to wonderful things. But I don't think I should preoccupy myself with such mundane and, ultimately, worthless endeavors. With this mentality I find it hard to aim for college. Higher education has always been a good thing in human history, but is it worth spending your whole life trying to attain superficial knowledge? Superficial in the sense of being absolutely worthless when you pass (however, I am very grateful for the people who pursued the sciences, you know, computers are awesome). I listened to a song recently about a guy who was a very successful singer. In the song he said, "You can have my empire of dirt." It really dawned on me. Everything on this Earth came from dirt (even we came from dirt) so it will all just go back to dirt. So why waste my time working for dirt?

Well than, what should I work towards? I honestly don't know. The Great Commission? To be honest, I loathe the thought of being any sort of evangelist, preacher, missionary, etc. It jut isn't my thing. Does being a Christian MAKE it your thing? I don't know.

Maybe all my doubts and worries will clear up when I find new purpose in my life. Like starting a family. Having responsibility would probably give me a sense of belonging and worth. I mean, I don't have any self denial problems, but having people that depend on you would be nice. Nice in the sense of having a reason to work and push on. I hate to admit it, but having a girl in my life would reassure me of myself.

Aha, that sounds so lame when I read it to myself.

That verse always pops up in my head when I think about my future. You know, the one about seeking the Kingdom of God first and foremost. What does that even mean? Pray and read the Bible? Work hard and be forgiving and generous to others? Preach the Gospel? All of the above? I don't know. Or maybe I do know, I just choose to claim ignorance instead of take responsibility. There has to be reason why God saved me. He could have saved me later on in my life or He could not have saved me at all. But He did. He decided to save me right from the get-go. When I was 13 or 14 I called myself a Christian. So here I am 4 years later with nothing but bewilderment.

Why did You save me so early? Why couldn't You have saved me after I have lived my life? Why must I go through these things now? Though saying so makes me sound ignorant to the blessings that He has given me up to this point. Christians who have been saved at the end of their lives always wished that they were saved sooner. I wonder if I was in their place, would I share the same sentiments? There is a reason for my early Christianity. WHAT IS THE REASON?!? But the classic response continually comes back to haunt me:

"I just simply don't know."

                                                                                                       ~Missingnomer

DisconnectingMyOwnSelf

The feeling of discomfort and anxiety. Ring a bell? If you call yourself a human than I would suspect you have come across these two very common emotions. Who doesn't feel discomfort and anxiety at times? I have been encountering it frequently. What do I brood over? WORK of course! What better way to spend days full of free time then to dwell on things I could/should be doing? I asked my Dear Friend if, 50 years in the future, I would be looking back on this time with yearning for that freedom I once had or regretting it all as wasted time. Probably the former. Why mop and skulk around when I should be enjoying my youth? I don't know. I figure this is some sort of depression, or even worse, self-pity. Since the coming year will be filled with... Nothing, I suppose I should take it upon my self to fill it with SOMETHING. What is that something? Most likely work.

Work! I dread it so very much. Once I start on this arduous journey known as work I shall find myself on it for the rest of my life. Chained to it, if you will. I will recollect the days that I am in right now. The blissful days of laziness. The ironic thing is that I can't seem to enjoy it because my mind keeps wandering back to the thought of WASTING time. Wasting. Why on earth should a 17 (soon to be 18) year old be worried about wasting time? The world is my proverbial oyster. However, I am still stuck in this swaying pendulum of joyful glee and chronic sorrow. Work is imminent. It is something that is almost impossible to avoid. I will start working sooner or later. Why does my head continue to throb with anxiety and stress?

It might just be the lack of sleep. I seem to have fallen into yet another bout of sleep depravity. I tend to enjoy torturing myself when it comes to insomnia..... Voluntary Insomnia. I literally force myself to stay awake! Why? Because sleeping is 'boring.' We waste half of our lives sleeping. I guess I intend to tip the ratio to a sturdy 4:6 by staying up the extra 5 hours into the early hours of the morning only to find myself regaining consciousness at 1 in the afternoon. This invention is ludicrous. I might as well drive stakes through my arms. Last night I decided to forgo the notion of sleep and spend time with my Dear Friends. I admit it, I still believe it was worth it. But I should stop this. My body is so weak. To nap or not to nap? That is all my body cares about.

Forcing oneself to sleep at a certain hour seems to be a chore. How does one even do it? I tend to just lie there until I drift away into an unconscious state. 6-7 hours of rest. Apparently I should be getting a solid 8. But I do nothing all day!

"Get a job! Study! Do SOMETHING!"

My mind is like a terrible game of tug-of-war between two people that both have no desire to win.

No wonder I have this sudden urge to read the Bible. I think solace can only be found in God right now. Leave me be as I tend to my self-inflicted wounds of chaos.

Prayers are always welcomed.

ReturnsTwinkiesAnd...Animals?

This weekend should prove to be exciting. Not only are the Elder Sage Siblings returning for a short while, but we will apparently meet my half-brother since 11 years or so. A substantial amount of time has transpired since we last met. So it should be a great weekend.... It should be.

Besides the torrent of people flooding into the family this weekend, I have been dutifully doing nothing! School is forgotten.... Still. I just have no motivation to finish the one class that I have left before my graduation... If you can even call it a graduation. I wont even be starting college till next year! So I might as well hold off until 2015. I don't mind. Who would mind a year long vacation? Ohhh, right. I should probably find a job....

The art of making friends has been swimming around in my head for the last couple of weeks. How does one make a friend? How does one keep a friend? Are friends that are friends meant to be friends? Are my current friendships the offsprings of chance and coincidence? Thankfully, I talked about it with my Dear Friends. We concluded that we were created for each other and since the day we were birthed we were destined for each other. I tend to put my full trust into that conclusion. Ha.

To be honest, nothing much has happened. I mean, I could update you on what has happened. But it isn't significant enough to type. Why should I bore my Dear Readers (whoever is left) with my life? I am sure you would rather glean from my wisdom. Very well, very well. Start gleaning.

Let's discuss love.

Ahaha, I was kidding love is so overrated.

Let's talk bout Twinkies.

It was so obvious that it was all a marketing scam! Announce to the public that Twinkies would stop being in production and cause chaos through out America. Everyone ran out to the nearest store and bought 10 pounds of this stuff. Once it was sold out and people ate most of the Twinkies, some hid them for a rainy day, some people monopolized their stash and made a fortune off of suckers on ebay, and others like me? We could have cared less. But then a year went by. Then another. And before we knew it we all craved the glorious abomination : The Twinkie. And it was a Christmas miracle when the Twinkie man said, "Fire up the Twinkie Machine!" (like they weren't ready to start making Twinkies again from the very beginning). BOOM! Twinkies were given back to the unwashed masses. An exodus to the stores ensued and they raked in a fortune over night. Now THAT'S how you make it big in America. It was a genius maneuver. One I shall never forget. Bravo Twinkie dude. Bra-vo.

What? Not satisfied? Okay okay. I get it. You want more. 

Let's talk about animals and animals that call themselves humans. 

I'm just kidding. Let's just talk about animals that call themselves humans.

You know who I am referring to. People that love animals. I watched a 20 minute documentary about farms and how they treat animals badly and beat them and blah blah blah. It was interesting to say the least. But I am not sure where I stand when it comes to animal cruelty. I definitely don't approve of it. But why do people treat animals badly? Obviously, because we are human, but what if that steak you are eating came from a cow that was beaten to death by a stick? Should you eat the meat? Yup. Just pray over your meals and you're good. The whole documentary was telling the viewers to go vegetarian so we can put the bad farmers out of business. Seriously? Crop farms abuse their vegetable and fruit plants too. Sooo, I really don't get it. When you think about it for 10 seconds the whole notion of going vegetarian because of that is really retarded. I eat meat because I like it. Don't really care about the animal. If it was beaten by a weird farmer then the farmer should worry about it. Not me. I likes me a good piece of meat. Am I a bad person? Yup.

Go out and eat a good piece of meat. For the both of us.

Am I politically incorrect to say such things?