Now what?
School is done. Yeah, I am back Dear Readers. What does that even mean, though? Where do I go from here? Well, I guess it is up to me to decide, right? At least, that is what I thought when I was in the process of graduating. It is strange how so many things can change and yet still be the same. Just a little over a month ago I was in school. Being a student is all I have ever known since I can remember. Wake up, go to school, and come home to do homework. Rinse and repeat. Home school did shake things up, but it was ultimately the same thing. I am now officially an adult, according to society. I have to find work and start making money. Makes me think about the song "Stressed Out" from Twenty-One Pilots. I really do have to wake up and make some money.
I was talking with a good friend about what it means to live a life for God. Does God want the American dream for my life? Nice savings account, nice home, two cars, a wife and a few kids - who cares? It sort of made me realize how shortsighted I have been in the last couple years. Once I find a job and start working is that it? I am done? Just find someone to marry and die? Nah, forget that. If God wanted a life like that for me, He would have taken me a long time ago. So why? What is the reason for this life of mine?
To be happy? To fulfill all my momentary desires? To set some short and long term goals to challenge myself? Find a companion to bury the loneliness? Maybe. I do believe God gives us a little room to decide things for our lives, but something tells me I need to take the next few steps of my life with a lot prayer through fear and trembling. The honest truth of life is that it is too easy to find yourself alone and miserable. Even when I surround myself with family and friends, the night ends with just me and God. Did I even talk to you yet, Dude?
I pretty much have a job. Is it the job God wants for me? Is it where I need to be right now in my life? I don't know, but I don't think I have to. The stress of always feeling like I need to know the next step is exhausting. God is putting me in a place to fully rely and trust in Him. What door should I go through? Time to find a church!
God has been so good to me. Life has a great way of putting things in front of my mind. For some reason, my mind loves to take those things and twist them into thoughts that discourage and condemn. "You don't have a job because you suck." "You wasted the last 23 years of your life." "You start working, then what? In the end, no one really cares, right?" When I allow my mind to wander with my excess idleness from being unemployed, it only wants to stop me from focusing on God. Thank goodness I went on that two and half week trip to Hawaii right after I graduated. It allowed me to deal with some of my mental and emotional problems I have been ignoring since I started college. God also showed me how I have been making my career and future job the idol of my life. I was telling myself if I just got a sweet job with a good salary I would be set. But that is just a lie. If I did get a "dream job," I would only find myself setting up another goal. It never ends.
I need to find a balance of content in Jesus and motivation to grow in Him. I need to constantly ask myself, "What makes me happy?" Sometimes, I genuinely hate some of the answers I come up with. I think that is the wrong question to ask. How about this one: "What makes other people happy and joyful?" From my experience, a lot of things make people happy. Some of them last a long time and others last mere moments. What makes people joyful? Hmmm, the only thing I can come up with is a healthy relationship with someone. In my life, who is that "someone?" A woman? Hmmm, maybe. However, I feel as though God is telling me to focus and grow in my relationship with Him first. Every time I find myself not focusing on God everything feels empty. As soon as I remember that God is my reason for being, everything just makes sense.
God, show me the people you would have me know, work with, and, ultimately, love.
I feel like that is what God wants for me.
It doesn't stop the constant onslaught of horrible thoughts and doubts, but it is comforting to know that God is my constant in this big, unknown world I am beginning to experience.
People change, friends grow up, co-workers move on, but God....He is good.
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