Fast-forward one more year and it doesn't make a difference. The trail extends forth another 365 days. The sun sets and rises with death and life lingering close by. Nothing escapes the continuous trek that time seems to ceaselessly endeavor to accomplish. It has no idea that the trek it undertakes lasts indefinitely. It sort of reminds me about my life. Living life is like time. Treading ever so carefully, not having a care in the world even though no one knows that the next turn can greet us with cold nothingness. Is that what drives us? Curiosity? What will happen in the future? Will I experience the end of everything? It hardly crosses our mind, but subconsciously it may constantly be on our minds. Is today the day that it ends?
It crosses my mind once in a while. Does this meal mean anything? What about that long night pouring over my notes? If I fell off the face of the earth...would God catch me?
The insignificance that weighs upon my soul is starting to get heavy. Like a rock that seems to grow like a festering wound. You must be saying to yourself, "why must he type such self-loathing words?" Is it really self-loathing? Or am I just facing the reality that we all dwell in? We were created to amuse the Almighty. That's it. To worship Him and glorify Him. Now, being a human this infuriates me. It is the very definition of anger. My life is centered on a Being who simply wants me to worship Him. Wow. If that sits right with your soul then I applaud the blindness you have given yourself. Living in the Spirit is something that I have yet to accomplish. However, I do believe it to be impossible to live in the Spirit at all times. For me being at peace and harmony with the Spirit happens once in a blue moon. That amazing, almost creepy, peace that washes over you when you are sitting in utter praise and worship for Him happens too far and between. But maybe that is why I keep living. To experience that moment one more time. Just to imagine that moment....
Time is pushing me closer and closer to the door of death. I can see it clearly. It is anticipating my arrival. I look forward it it, honestly. I want to know the truth. I looked through the keyhole and saw two things: Jesus is everything, and He loves me. When I die, I am going to tear the door of death down and fall on my knees and see the Truth in its entirety.
Amazing.....I'm tearing up over here M.....Thank you for your brutal honesty....I don't know if I have faced that reality of my nothingness with Blindness...but I do know that the stars overwhelm me sometimes...That thinking of the Great Cosmos and the Eternal Being, well it's a little too much and a little too frustrating for my PeeWee soul
ReplyDeleteI always end up with the thought that it is better to know a loving, caring, powerful God....then Nothing..... because it is "a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a Living God."