TheGiverAndTheGiven

It seemed like such a long time: three months. When the first day of 90 begins, you always get that feeling of 'yeah, this is going to last forever!' Oh, but it doesn't. There is an end for every great ride.

This Summer would take pages to summarize. Who want's to read that, right? I kind of do, but I also kind of have to type it out sooo nope. August is that last precious month before another semester rears its ugly head. This August is no different, yet the ugly head doesn't look as ugly as last year. I spent a week of my Summer visiting my Eldest Sage Sibling (did I get that right?) accompanied with my Elder Sage Sibling. Do I need to expound on this eventful week? Here, let's recap detail-free:

Two quick plane rides to Idaho with one including an infernal demon baby with a scream of a dog-sized bat. Finally laying eyes on my Eldest Sage Sibling's living quarters was quite the experience. It wasn't nice but it wasn't particularly ugly. Everything seemed to be fine. We didn't have much time to dwell there anyways since we immediately headed towards the main objective of the trip: Yellowstone National Park. Was it nice? Yeah. Pretty? Oh, the landscapes were painted by God Himself, so why wouldn't they be? Apparently, wildlife is a thing, so both of the Sage Siblings were constantly reminding me the importance of loud noises and crumb-less meals. Overall, the entire camping trip of three nights was pure joy. Sure, the back-breaking hikes (sponsored by the Eldest Sage) were strenuous, but the memories are priceless. No animal attacks, no fatalities, no injuries, and numerous photos and videos. So I rate this 10/10 would rather go to a city next time.

Only a couple of weeks remain between me an abyss of papers and tests. Ahhh, the joy of being a first world child! The thinking process starts in fear and ends with content. I can do this. I already did it twice. Nothing but myself can prevent me from doing my best, right? I'll take it head on. After all, what else is there to do?

Last year during this time I was the definition of a cynic. I didn't want to go to college for the sole reason of my thinking it was pointless. We only have 70 or 80 years of life (if you don't get hit by a twinkie truck). What's the point of wasting 4 (maybe even more) of those years studying things that will all be worthless when I die? I mean, when I die what will I take with me? My knowledge? The papers I wrote? That pointless piece of paper sasying "You Did It, Missingnomer. You Spent $$$ For Me! Love ME!" No, thank you. I'd rather live meagerly until the day I die. No point in gaining earthly riches, amirite?

BUT THEN!!!

I found out that the education wasn't even the point. Sure, it is the reason for everyone going to college. But I got something way better than knowledge. I grew in the spirit. Since I joined that little, humble College Ministry (at the time it was only called that), I transformed. My cynical side has been greatly reduced. My spirit has flourished in such a short amount of time. There is still so much room to grow! I could go on, but you kind of get the idea. Life is slowly beginning to unravel and I am enjoying every minute of it.

The new semester is going to introduce a lot of new experiences, I am sure. The last two were packed with them. My future is still so blurry. I am still not sure if I want to major in Computer Engineering. I don't particularly like math, but I don't mind it too much. I was talking with a fellow leader in BSM (Baptist Student Ministry, apparently we are official now) and we were talking about grades and such. It is so hard to balance the personal effort and the blessings of God. How much of it is mine to revel in? None of it. It is all His. So what if I get a B? Did God only want me to get a B? The conversation was interesting and made me confused. He said that whenever he begins a class he tells himself that God already gave him the A, now he just has to reach out and take it. I suppose that is the best way to understand how that whole dynamic works. The thing that stuck out to me during the whole dialogue was when he said that we have the Holy Spirit. The Spirit has full understanding and complete wisdom over everything. If that same Spirit lives within me, then shouldn't I ask Him to bless me with the understanding for math? Or how to write college-level papers? My spirit is blessed with the presence of the Almighty. All I have to do is call upon him for guidance, understanding, wisdom, and patience for all my school studies. I have to ask and rely upon Him if I hope to attain what He has already given me. So, at the end of the day, my works are fruits of His perfection. When I think about that, I tend to get a little emotional, you know? Like a little female dog.

TheCrushingWeightOfBlessing

I told my sister as I slowly ease into maturity, I am realizing how immature I really am. Responsibilities that every person has to have to simply operate in this modern world are no existent to my life. Laundry, cooking (most of the time), working, and simple house cleaning are all taken care of by my loving parents (oh, and let's not forget my sister). Remember how I said I was going to get a job this Summer? Well, that seemed like a good idea at the time. It still is! Somewhere deep inside, my mind is telling me that getting a job will forever change my life. It will open a whole new door that has never been touched before. It is another faculty of life that I must experience if I wish to survive. Once I open that door, nothing will look the same.

July is the month of fatigue. Yes, I have fatigued on laziness many times before. This is no different. I knew this feeling would hit me sooner or later (usually in July). It always does whenever I have a long break from school. My siblings talk about spending their time productively and how they base their days off of the productive activity they indulged in during the waking hours. For me? I actually count the hours of laziness I waste away in a day to measure how well it went. Summer is the season of amazing days. Every year this feeling of joy diminishes bit by bit. Maturity is a nasty thing. At least that is what my kid-self is yelling in my head. The mature-self (is that what I should call it?) is pointing at the thing I should be doing whenever I twiddle my fingers and stare at a screen doing nothing. Yes, there are a few things I should dedicate time to, but it is just so much easier to watch a TV show or play a game. I have been getting better, though. Maybe I should tell you a little bit about that.

For the past few weeks I have been getting more and more involved in the College Ministry. The ministry has grown a lot over the last year. Watching and observing the hand of God working in this ministry has been a life-changing experience. The people around me have started to become friends. Last year, when I was stressing over applying to college, I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends in this new land of Texas. Yet, here I am with a huge group of fellow believers that all consider me a friend; a brother in Christ. My desire for friendship has been fulfilled in a way I never could have imagined. I remember praying for just one good friend. I got about a dozen, now. Sure, I don't know them all that well. But I am starting to realize that I don't need to know every single friend as well as I use to. The only friends I ever had were few and far between back in Hawaii. I felt like I needed to be super close and intimate with all of my friends. Nah, intimacy is something that can only be achieved with a few people in one lifetime. Friends are people I should feel free to share problems, ideas, and life with. Everyone in the College ministry are people I can comfortably communicate to about things concerning faith, school, and relationships. What else is there in life?

In the last month, I have tried to bring the people under the ministry closer together with movie nights. I want our members to be good friends with one another. Iron sharpeneth iron, right? Also, I really do want to be good friends with everyone since they are all wonderful people of God. Thankfully, the events have been successful. Being a part of a big group of friends is a surreal experience. Drama is apparently a thing, even if all of the people in the group are fellow believers. Sheesh!

The future of the College Ministry is blindingly bright. I can only see it growing while each member grows in the faith. We are all young believers with a lot of room for spiritual growth. God has placed us in this ministry because it is where we are supposed to be. I hope and pray that every member feels the same.

This July 4th marked the beginning of my last year as a teenager. It is unnerving and exciting. My first year of college is over, I am part of a thriving ministry, and I am only growing. The blessings present in my life are mind-numbing. I have no worries or unmet needs. What should I do with myself? I have a few more years left of schooling, so I can't do what I want to do right now. All I can do is dedicate my time to studies, help my friends grow in their faith, and share the gospel in any way I can. Once I graduate, I want to sacrifice my life for God. God want's me to sacrifice my life for others: my parents, siblings, friends, and, most importantly, my future family. Er, I have been thinking about that last one more and more as the days go on...

Ack! There is simply too much time between now and then to even waste time thinking about such things. My mind has been bloated with thoughts about how I should study the Bible for a Bible study I wish to lead in the near future. I have never lead a Bible study before. After watching my peers lead a few, I feel more confident about the idea of doing it. It is weird, but during a particular Bible study our leader had to lead it. Time for preparation was short, but at the end of the night I felt like it was the most, if not the best Bible study we had yet. The Spirit leads, not the person. Those words are starting to mean something to me.

StillnessInTheRain

Winter does exist! I have observed the falling of still rain. Mhm. It was quite nice. So calm and cold. It was a great experience. The snow was a bit dry so there was no way to mold it into any shape of desire. Just being in the midst of a snowfall warmed my heart. I want to experience it again. I hope I do soon.

For the past few months I haven't been praying that much. I will be honest, I just forget. It doesn't even cross my mind. Is that school or me? Either answer points towards me anyways. Prayer is not on my list of things to do everyday. It should be. Strange how I feel naught wrong with my spirit. Is it dead? Good Lord.

I heard a teaching one time. Basically the pastor said that the Holy Spirit will simply give up when we neglect Him for too long. You think the Spirit has simply given up on me? Not in the sense of His faithfulness and love, but regarding the pleas for obedience and due supplication. Back when I was a tween I always felt "guilty" whenever I realized I had forgotten to pray over a meal. Now I just dig in without a second thought. Would that be classified as backsliding? Simple negligence in the Spirit sounds dire. I mean, we are supposed to live in the Spirit at all times. Sure, we don't. But the realigning myself with Him has been a shaky proposition  in itself. I love Jesus. I still think about what He did and is doing for me every single day. However, prayer is currently taking a seat in the back. When was the last time I really prayed? Well, now that I think about it, I did pray earnestly last week during the early morning drive to school. I suppose prayer is still a part of my life, but not a daily exercise.

Perhaps this negligence stems from my desire to cling to the physical. Video games, school work, and maybe a dash of sin? How about a lot of sin. Isn't sin just putting something above God? Pretty much everything has been put in front of Him these past few months. Maybe the habit of silence I have developed among my family has crept into my Spiritual rituals. Silence has been a dominating trait since this semester has started. It is just hard to speak with the family about anything. I don't really have "problems," you know? It is just the worry over an occasional test. I don't have any relational issues, no stories worth telling (maybe they are?), and no real social life to divulge to my family. A sign to pick up some crazy friends?

What do you talk about with your family? I feel as though I have exhausted every topic there is to discuss. Politics, science, relationships, marriage, children, parenting, friendships, sin, Jesus, theology, heck even crazy philosophical issues that have no relevance to life.

The root of my spiritual stagnation is self-inflicted to state the obvious. Be it reading the bible, praying, or even talking to others about God, all have been stationed in the secondary box. Christianity DOES revolve around those things. Does that mean I have been neglecting my faith? Yes and no. My beliefs infect every aspect of my being. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my faith and Christ's love for me. But it has to go further than a recognition. There should be a discourse between us. One that isn't sporadic and based on how I feel.

Focusing on my shortcomings instead of the relationship still gets me. Every Christian struggles with something so we shouldn't be surprised when we find ourselves indulging in our sinful desires, but the thought is still repulsive. Condemnation is not of God so what I feel is something I shouldn't feel. I am perfect through Him. Does that make my present and future sins irrelevant? Precisely. Sinful actions are temperate and minuscule to the power of God. Out spirits are eternal and sinless. Then what is the point of GROWING and KNOWING who you are in Christ? Do we not have eternity to find out? The person we are now, this physical person, is linear and momentary. It seems that placing my attention towards my own personal growth as a believer is pointless compared to evangelizing the lost.

It should be a balance of outward faith and inner faith, no doubt. But I believe our witness takes precedence over our individual walks. Finding out who we are in Christ comes from seeing the brokenness of humanity and the redemption we have received. If one were to seclude their person and focus on their walk with God would they not upset the Father? Living a life of purity and holiness is worthless when it is not shared with others.

Shining a bright light towards the sun is utterly ridiculous. Take that blasted light and shine it in the darkness while your hear still beats!

CollegeWithATouchOfScarf

What have I been up to for the last month? No good! Well, at least in my book. But I think most people would disagree with me. I set up my colleges. Yup, I am ready to go. My classes are all chosen. I start at the end of August.

Is this what I am suppose to pursue?

I always thought that college was a waste of everyone's time and money, but to be honest....I don't really care for the education. I just want to be around people again. The classroom atmosphere, the buzzing of humans, and the constant pressure to perform and do my duties. I need something like that. The last year has been smooth sailing. I enjoyed it greatly, but this chapter must end. A new one must begin. A chapter that will define the rest of my life:

The college years. (Que depressing piano/cello duet)

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am, indeed, anxious. But I feel excitement more than anything else. I think I am ready for this new adventure. Can I really call it an adventure? I will be commuting from home, so I wont be living anywhere new. Ah, at least it will be an adventure for those brief hours at the college. My schedule looks relaxed, which is greatly welcomed.

Oh! On another note. I finally turned 18. Great, now I have no excuse to get my driver license. I don't mind driving, I actually enjoy it. But the people driving alongside me are too much. Why is everyone in such a rush? Speeding through yellows, honking their horns, going 10 mph over the speed limit, and just being plain inpatient. America needs to take a chill pill if you ask for my professional opinion. I like to take things slow. Which is obviously the right way to go about things, after all, it is my preference. Pftt, pathetic.

Don't be too jelly of my scarf now, babe

Wow, I got cynical really fast. I really have to watch myself when I talk with people that aren't family. I am just too used to spouting what I think. I mean, why would you ever speak honestly with strangers? Lord forbid, right?

So now that I am 18 I have to start thinking like an adult, WRONG. I was always thinking like an adult since I turned 13. I have just been honing my thought process for the last 5 years. I can say with confidence that I am think like a mature and wise 65 year old man. You know, I don't wanna give myself too much credit.

Hmmm, I think college is going to give me a good dose of reality. Along with a good dose of friends and fun times! Ah, the naivety of a new 18 year old man-child.

I expect my first semester to be eye-opening. Girls falling in love with me and my scarf, boys being jelly of my scarf, teachers praising me and my scarf, and people just being jelly when they see me going to college in said scarf. Life is going to be kind to me and my scarf. Surely no one will not care for me and my Scarf, right?

Well, this is the end of Volume V. I can't believe I have been doing this for 2 years. I remember when I first started. It was the last night before my Elder Sage Siblings were both heading to college to leave me as an only child for the next 2 years. In those 2 years I grew and found out a lot about myself. Most of it was depressing and infuriating, but I learned to love myself, flaws and all, just like Jesus does. However, I am still growing, still learning, still beating the same old trees, still. But that is okay, I am human after all. If God expected us to be relatively perfect he would be the biggest hypocrite in the history of history.

"Last time I checked, God isn't a hypocrite. I am. He isn't flawed. I am."

                                                                                                      ~Missingnomer (yup, I am gooooood)

Sadly (but still true) those words will take me the rest of my life to accept.

DisconnectingMyOwnSelf

The feeling of discomfort and anxiety. Ring a bell? If you call yourself a human than I would suspect you have come across these two very common emotions. Who doesn't feel discomfort and anxiety at times? I have been encountering it frequently. What do I brood over? WORK of course! What better way to spend days full of free time then to dwell on things I could/should be doing? I asked my Dear Friend if, 50 years in the future, I would be looking back on this time with yearning for that freedom I once had or regretting it all as wasted time. Probably the former. Why mop and skulk around when I should be enjoying my youth? I don't know. I figure this is some sort of depression, or even worse, self-pity. Since the coming year will be filled with... Nothing, I suppose I should take it upon my self to fill it with SOMETHING. What is that something? Most likely work.

Work! I dread it so very much. Once I start on this arduous journey known as work I shall find myself on it for the rest of my life. Chained to it, if you will. I will recollect the days that I am in right now. The blissful days of laziness. The ironic thing is that I can't seem to enjoy it because my mind keeps wandering back to the thought of WASTING time. Wasting. Why on earth should a 17 (soon to be 18) year old be worried about wasting time? The world is my proverbial oyster. However, I am still stuck in this swaying pendulum of joyful glee and chronic sorrow. Work is imminent. It is something that is almost impossible to avoid. I will start working sooner or later. Why does my head continue to throb with anxiety and stress?

It might just be the lack of sleep. I seem to have fallen into yet another bout of sleep depravity. I tend to enjoy torturing myself when it comes to insomnia..... Voluntary Insomnia. I literally force myself to stay awake! Why? Because sleeping is 'boring.' We waste half of our lives sleeping. I guess I intend to tip the ratio to a sturdy 4:6 by staying up the extra 5 hours into the early hours of the morning only to find myself regaining consciousness at 1 in the afternoon. This invention is ludicrous. I might as well drive stakes through my arms. Last night I decided to forgo the notion of sleep and spend time with my Dear Friends. I admit it, I still believe it was worth it. But I should stop this. My body is so weak. To nap or not to nap? That is all my body cares about.

Forcing oneself to sleep at a certain hour seems to be a chore. How does one even do it? I tend to just lie there until I drift away into an unconscious state. 6-7 hours of rest. Apparently I should be getting a solid 8. But I do nothing all day!

"Get a job! Study! Do SOMETHING!"

My mind is like a terrible game of tug-of-war between two people that both have no desire to win.

No wonder I have this sudden urge to read the Bible. I think solace can only be found in God right now. Leave me be as I tend to my self-inflicted wounds of chaos.

Prayers are always welcomed.

TheRibbonThatTiedItAllTogether

365 days have passed since 2013 started. Makes sense I guess. So many things have happened through out last year. Of course, everyone in the world can say that about every year, but I really had an adventure. It felt like forever, but we were at Malaysia last Summer, a camping trip, being an only child for 8 months, GED, SAT, and Christmas.

My family 'celebrated' my birthday in Oahu at a hotel! This was a really great year. The thing is that we are still in the awkward stage of moving off this rock. I don't mind. Take your time parents!

School has turned into a chore that I don't necessarily have to do, but should still do. Since I sat for my SAT (weird pun thingy there) and my GED I technically 'graduated'. Though my mom still says I need high school transcripts.... Pfffft, community college will let me in without a problem. My future is still uncertain, but that's okay. I know that wherever I end up is where I am supposed to be. I never would have thought the SAT would have been such a challenge. I really thought I knew a lot about the world at the beginning of the year. A typical naive teen-aged tool shed. The SAT really humbled me. I got a mediocre score that showed me that I only know a tiny sliver of the world's knowledge and that there is much more to learn and experience. But! The GED recovered some of my confidence since I aced it with flying unicorn colors.

The world can seem like a cracked-up women sometimes.

The trip to Malaysia alone can take up most of this post, but I wont do that. I'll sum up the entire trip in three words: yummy, family, food, yummy, and lots of food...... Wait I think that was more than three words....

Yep, a lot has transpired, but the big question for everyone isn't recollections.

Have I matured? Have I gained wisdom and knowledge? How has my walk progressed with God since the beginning of the year?

All those questions should be answered. Whether the answer will be bad or not. My maturity level has increased. I can say that confidently. Just recently I learnt something that I will have to work on probably for the rest of my life. Understanding. But not just understanding intellectually, understanding other people. I always considered feelings as nothing more than chemical reactions that people chose to feel. But that isn't the case.

As we can see from many sources, life sucks 90% of the time. Some people have terrible lives right from the get-go, fairness is nothing but a figment of our imaginations. Some people are orphans, others have no one that loves them or to love, unexpected deaths of our close ones, betrayal, disease, amputations, miscarriages...... All these horrible things that no one should have to deal with. But alas, a lot (if not all) people experience at least one or more of these things through out their lives. The thing is that I have never experienced any of these things. I have been a little sheltered rat since birth. Therefore, ever since just a little while ago I viewed things like depression, hatred, and grudges as things that people chose to do and feel. Boy, was I stupid.

There is a world out there with so much sorrow. Thank God that I have yet to experience true pain and suffering, but that doesn't mean other people aren't experiencing it. I am not saying that I have learnt to pity people. Pitying somebody is probably the worst thing you can do. The only thing you can do is be understanding. I always dismissed people with emotional problems as weak and cowardly, but there are things in this world that no one can bear. That's why we have Jesus. I just pray that people will run to Him when pain strikes us where it hurts the most.

Wisdom is just a word. What does it mean to me, though? Discernment is probably a good start. Being able to draw the line on most matters. Grey areas in life are the worst. Is it okay to watch rated R movies? Are girlfriend and boyfriend relationships good? How does one go about being 'holy'? Wisdom comes from God so we just have to abide in Him. Another great way is by listening to teachings of someone who is abiding in the Lord. But have I gleaned anything this past year that would increase and strengthen my wisdom? I think so. All of those hard hitting philosophical questions are easily answered when you are a Christian. The Bible really is the gateway to infinite knowledge and wisdom. And I will be spending the rest of my life trying to absorb it all. Since January 2013 I can say that I have grown mentally. For the year ahead I will probably need an extra serving of wisdom since I will be hitting that magical age of 18.

Growing in the Lord is something every Christian does for their entire life. I have still neglected my daily devotions. Prayer is easily forgotten. Thankfully we found an amazing church at the beginning of this year. The pastor's messages have really ministered to me. I must accept that I am an imperfect being. Every good work I attempt will end in absolute failure. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit within me can I achieve any sort of good work. It has been a challenging year. I still struggle with the fact that I am sinning and will continue to sin to the very day I die. It's just who I am. I am a sinner. I will never accept that fact, but I must realize it. You shouldn't let that discourage you! Jesus died and rose from the dead so that we can be free. I am free. But my old nature is still very much alive. The war is won, but the battles shall continue. I will win some and I will lose a lot, but as the picture slowly zooms out I can see the beauty that is called my life.

Have an awesome 2014 Dear Readers. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy lives to read my blog. I ask for you to remain with me and my blog till the very last post. Here's to another exciting year.