The feeling of discomfort and anxiety. Ring a bell? If you call yourself a human than I would suspect you have come across these two very common emotions. Who doesn't feel discomfort and anxiety at times? I have been encountering it frequently. What do I brood over? WORK of course! What better way to spend days full of free time then to dwell on things I could/should be doing? I asked my Dear Friend if, 50 years in the future, I would be looking back on this time with yearning for that freedom I once had or regretting it all as wasted time. Probably the former. Why mop and skulk around when I should be enjoying my youth? I don't know. I figure this is some sort of depression, or even worse, self-pity. Since the coming year will be filled with... Nothing, I suppose I should take it upon my self to fill it with SOMETHING. What is that something? Most likely work.
Work! I dread it so very much. Once I start on this arduous journey known as work I shall find myself on it for the rest of my life. Chained to it, if you will. I will recollect the days that I am in right now. The blissful days of laziness. The ironic thing is that I can't seem to enjoy it because my mind keeps wandering back to the thought of WASTING time. Wasting. Why on earth should a 17 (soon to be 18) year old be worried about wasting time? The world is my proverbial oyster. However, I am still stuck in this swaying pendulum of joyful glee and chronic sorrow. Work is imminent. It is something that is almost impossible to avoid. I will start working sooner or later. Why does my head continue to throb with anxiety and stress?
It might just be the lack of sleep. I seem to have fallen into yet another bout of sleep depravity. I tend to enjoy torturing myself when it comes to insomnia..... Voluntary Insomnia. I literally force myself to stay awake! Why? Because sleeping is 'boring.' We waste half of our lives sleeping. I guess I intend to tip the ratio to a sturdy 4:6 by staying up the extra 5 hours into the early hours of the morning only to find myself regaining consciousness at 1 in the afternoon. This invention is ludicrous. I might as well drive stakes through my arms. Last night I decided to forgo the notion of sleep and spend time with my Dear Friends. I admit it, I still believe it was worth it. But I should stop this. My body is so weak. To nap or not to nap? That is all my body cares about.
Forcing oneself to sleep at a certain hour seems to be a chore. How does one even do it? I tend to just lie there until I drift away into an unconscious state. 6-7 hours of rest. Apparently I should be getting a solid 8. But I do nothing all day!
"Get a job! Study! Do SOMETHING!"
My mind is like a terrible game of tug-of-war between two people that both have no desire to win.
No wonder I have this sudden urge to read the Bible. I think solace can only be found in God right now. Leave me be as I tend to my self-inflicted wounds of chaos.
Prayers are always welcomed.
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