SubtlyConsuming

The semester is a semester of hardship. If things never get "worse," or a more popular word, "challenging," life would be boring. People would be correct to believe it. Challenge causes the mind to go outside what it knows and attempts to reach out into the unknown darkness we all know as Knowledge. It is something we spend our whole lives chasing after. The only pursuit worth anyone's time.

Why do I think it is a waste of time?

There is a war in my head. Logic tells me to head in one direction, but my heart pulls me in another. I always identified myself as a logical and reasonable person. The person who always basis his life on the question: "Why?" Unfortunately, time and time again I feel like I don't actually live my thought life in that manner. My emotions bury reasoning. My heart casts out any rationality. There are quite moments when I wish everything would just disappear and I would be left with myself, an empty shell. The Bible says my flesh yearns for sin. Honestly, my mind yearns for void. Nothing. Sitting still and staring at an empty screen is just as engaging as a relationship. The product of a life will always equal zero. Success, wealth, family, friends, happiness....fulfillment, all of it will be multiplied by zero, by death.

Being a Christian gives me some proverbial glimmer of hope. On the other hand, it also allows me to realize the futility of life and all that it entails. Everything truly is pointless without a constant. A constant you can build on. Absolute Truth has been a popular topic for debate since forever. Everyone does agree on one absolute truth: math. Math is an absolute. 1+1 will always equal 2. Always. It is comforting to know that there is a constant in our existence that is understandable. Something we can all nod to and say, "yes, I agree." Why doesn't that comfort me? Math doesn't love. Math doesn't ask me how I feel. Math doesn't wait for me.

The gift in knowing Knowledge is that you can never fully understand it. Yes, I know It. But I do not understand it. Yet when we narrow in on specific things we find in Knowledge, we disagree. Why? Because we don't understand it. Why? Just because I don't understand how the universe came into being doesn't mean it didn't come into being. Applying this logic to everything means that I am disabled by my own strength to truly understand anything. Sure, I know some math and basic survival abilities, but I will never attain perfect Knowledge in anything.

A very wise man told me there will be days I wont feel like doing anything. I wont feel like opening my Bible. I wont feel like praying. I wont feel like forgiving. I wont feel like loving. I wont feel. It wasn't days. It is months. It is better for a person to never know God and die than to know Him and walk away. I truly believe it to be so. Nothing brings more pain than to turn your back on the One who loves you. Why is it so easy to do? Do I love the way I should? No. Do I act the way I should? No. Do I believe the way I should? No.

I. Don't. I. Can't.

Therefore, let there be doubt.

I had a discussion with a good friend a while ago and he said it. He said, "how can you be sure that what you believe, is true?" So I sat there and thought about. Sat and thought. Pondered in silence. Sat and meditated. Two seconds later I came to a conclusion: "I am not sure if what I believe is true."

Therefore, let there be doubt.

Again, applying simple logic to life causes one to lose all desire to pursue anything at all. Why? There is no hope for attaining Knowledge, there is no reason to try, and there is nothing I can truly understand. So why don't people just kill themselves?

Logic tells me to head in one direction, but my heart pulls me in another. My heart drowns the truth. My soul screams to live. Something is telling me to take another breath. It must be my heart. What drives my being to live? Why does it live, but desires to die? Why? Why? Why?

Knowledge. It is something we spend our whole lives chasing after. The only pursuit worth anyone's time. What is Knowledge? Hm, you tell me, Dear Reader. After all, you will never be certain.

Therefore, let there be doubt.