TheStruggleToDoTheRightThings...ForTheRightReasons

I am going through yet another bout of Spiritual depression. Is it sever? Compared to the other thousand that I have had from the last 6 months I would have to say it isn't too bad. The thing about being a teenager is that I want so many things, but can't have them for three reasons: I am too young to attain these things, I don't have the power or money, or the thing in question is sinful. Yeah, that sums up my thinking. It just sickens me that I still desire things of the world instead of things that matter. The SAT is just one of a few things I wish I could just bury and forget. Why? Because I hate working.

All I want to do is waste my life away in front of a screen. Isn't that ironic? A guy who wants to have a life so badly but doesn't desire anything but wasting it. Thus, I am stuck at this point of Spiritual depression. I actually haven't prayed in the last couple of weeks. It is like God is a painting in my heart. He just hangs there on the wall looking beautiful, but the painting is utterly useless because I made it that way. I decided that God was a beautiful painting instead of the burning fire he desires to be in my heart. A fire that burns up all the icky stuff and clears up the garbage for truth, light, and joy. Do I want those things? My spirit screams for them, but my mind runs away as fast as possible. So far, for the last 6 months (maybe even longer), my mind outruns my spirit every single time. I know why. I feed the mind with food instead of my spirit. I swear, my spirit has been on an IV drip for a long time. Sure I toss it a loaf of stale bread once in a blue moon, but it doesn't even compare to the feast I give my mind everyday.

Stuffing my face with the things of this world is so easy. So damn easy it makes me sick. But the thing is that the only way to feed my spirit is to read the Bible and pray. Easy? It sounds so good and easy, but I never do it. I NEVER DO IT. Why? Well, isn't it true that the flesh will do anything to deter you from your spiritual duties? So true. I find myself waking up the next day thinking, "Oh, would you look at that, I forgot to read my Bible yesterday, AGAIN."

So I thought that maybe I should just give up. Just stop trying. Why try? It only causes more guilt, more pain, more frustration. True, abstaining from sin includes all of the above. To stop sinning is like to stop taking drugs. The first 6 months to a year are absolutely brutal. Nearly impossible. It takes legit divine intervention to prevent sin. Maybe that's not the answer.

Disobeying God proves 2 things. The first is that we are all sinners. The second is that when we sin we just showed God that we would rather have worldly pleasure instead of divine pleasure. So once we find ourselves going for the lesser of two things we find (well, I find) disgust. Disgust of myself. Once you start despising yourself it is pretty much the end of communion with God for the billionth time. But I find myself in perpetual disgust. Why do I keep choosing the lesser of two things? Why? Right now I am sitting here writing this asking myself this question. Why? I don't know why. I have no idea. Not a single one. I have no excuse. I am....disgusted.

I heard once that the law of the Lord is the damnation of man. I couldn't agree more.

You know what makes me cry? The fact that even though you do the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again God is right there. He is just standing there. Waiting, watching. For that moment when you realize that you have just been tripping yourself up. Maybe I should just stand still and stare back at Him.