Being the last teenager in my family gives me exclusive privileges to be naive. After all, I am just a teenager! I will only be able to play this card for a couple more years till I will have to, sadly, revoke that right. Being in your late teens in America. What is that like, exactly? It is just downright cruel. Uncertainty is the definition of my life since I turned 17. Question after question. some answered and some not. My dilemma starts with my future. What direction should I take? Kids usually find a dream or a goal to aspire to, don't they? I don't really have a dream. Nothing grabs my immediate attention.
Sports: Nah.
Occupation: Nothing
Social life: Da heck is that?
Goals in life: Why bother?
Being a Christian makes you realize two very depressing things in life:
1) You are absolutely hopeless.
2) Everything you achieve on this Earth will soon be reduced to zero when your life comes to a 'dead' end.
Of course I want to have a good job with a comfy house; nothing but a cushy life. That's the best, right? Sure, for now. But what about after you die? If I spend my whole life chasing after meaningless, temporal things then wouldn't I have wasted it? Wouldn't I have allowed my very existence to slip through my fingers? I figure I should only put minimal effort into my career. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not giving myself a free pass to be lazy. I should aspire to live a prosperous life. A good life, so I can provide for a family and treat them to wonderful things. But I don't think I should preoccupy myself with such mundane and, ultimately, worthless endeavors. With this mentality I find it hard to aim for college. Higher education has always been a good thing in human history, but is it worth spending your whole life trying to attain superficial knowledge? Superficial in the sense of being absolutely worthless when you pass (however, I am very grateful for the people who pursued the sciences, you know, computers are awesome). I listened to a song recently about a guy who was a very successful singer. In the song he said, "You can have my empire of dirt." It really dawned on me. Everything on this Earth came from dirt (even we came from dirt) so it will all just go back to dirt. So why waste my time working for dirt?
Well than, what should I work towards? I honestly don't know. The Great Commission? To be honest, I loathe the thought of being any sort of evangelist, preacher, missionary, etc. It jut isn't my thing. Does being a Christian MAKE it your thing? I don't know.
Maybe all my doubts and worries will clear up when I find new purpose in my life. Like starting a family. Having responsibility would probably give me a sense of belonging and worth. I mean, I don't have any self denial problems, but having people that depend on you would be nice. Nice in the sense of having a reason to work and push on. I hate to admit it, but having a girl in my life would reassure me of myself.
Aha, that sounds so lame when I read it to myself.
That verse always pops up in my head when I think about my future. You know, the one about seeking the Kingdom of God first and foremost. What does that even mean? Pray and read the Bible? Work hard and be forgiving and generous to others? Preach the Gospel? All of the above? I don't know. Or maybe I do know, I just choose to claim ignorance instead of take responsibility. There has to be reason why God saved me. He could have saved me later on in my life or He could not have saved me at all. But He did. He decided to save me right from the get-go. When I was 13 or 14 I called myself a Christian. So here I am 4 years later with nothing but bewilderment.
Why did You save me so early? Why couldn't You have saved me after I have lived my life? Why must I go through these things now? Though saying so makes me sound ignorant to the blessings that He has given me up to this point. Christians who have been saved at the end of their lives always wished that they were saved sooner. I wonder if I was in their place, would I share the same sentiments? There is a reason for my early Christianity. WHAT IS THE REASON?!? But the classic response continually comes back to haunt me:
"I just simply don't know."
~Missingnomer
Bro. I feel ya. I (honestly) never thought I would be worried about the future. I never had before. But suddenly, graduating and future looms up before our naive little eyes and it feels like life is about to begin in the most terrifying way possible. Like the last 17 years were a farce, trying to make us believe that life is actually fun. Then boom, grow up, be responsible, decide what you are going to do for the BLINKING REST OF YOUR LIFE.
ReplyDeleteBut I've been procrastinating, meaning I don't think I'll go to community college to Spring, so that has let my mind rest a little (probably not a good thing). But I know how it is. The whole start of my year has felt like that. So, I don't really have an answer.
As far as meaninglessness with life and the Great Commission, etc (weird, I've been thinking about this a ton lately, too. Curse you, adult-hood), here's my opinion of it so far; The Great Commission is to go and make disciples throughout the earth, but it doesn't say "the only way to do this is being a missionary, being a preacher, or whatever," It doesn't even say go on the street and start evangelizing.
But everything we do, every word we speak, move we do or do not make, is our witness of Jesus Christ. Everything we do is not of ourselves anymore, it is through Him, because we are walking in His Spirit. And we can't feel the condemnation or stress of leading people to Christ and saving them because the work of Salvation is not of us at all. But he calls us to live our life the way we do to point people to Jesus Christ. Maybe it is with words as a preacher in Africa, maybe it's the way you live for Him in one little town for the rest of your life.
Don't worry, bro. He's doing amazing things, has amazing plans for your life. It's not in your hands. You still have decisions to make, but either way you go, He's going to be with you.
Bleh, this most likely makes no sense or is so simplistic you're probably yelling at me through the screen that you know it. It's what I've heard for all my life (and I'm sure it's the same for you), but it's really hit me personally recently. Sorry this is long and bleh, and possibly the most simplistic blah you've ever heard. Don't judge me, I'm like a month younger than you.
Ephesians 1:3-6
Ephesians 2:4-10 (especially 10)
1 Thessalonians 5:9-10
Thank you, Rebekah.
Delete"Why did You save me so early? Why couldn't You have saved me after I have lived my life? Why must I go through these things now? "
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I am not the only one that thinks these thoughts....like, wouldn't it be nice to be without the pressure of feeling that Great Commission weighing on my insignificant shoulders, and wishing I could go and be reckless and ignorant and irresponsible and 'worldly'.....
but I know that every human is born with a God-given conscious that pricks every humans soul.....and how sad to go thru life with that constant pricking and not knowing how to 'save oneself'.....how to feel clean....how to be new and start over, truly starting over......
And then i realize what a beautiful and wonderful gift Salvation is....it is the chance to take a deep breath and feel truly wiped clean and renewed....it's God's work alone, not mine, and that as well is a release of a burden I didn't know I had....the burden of feeling that I have to fix everything on my own...fix everything on my own strength....
Rely on Christ, let your prayers to God be like a running conversation, or breathing.... let it be a lifeline, and trust that God will put life together one step at a time...
I'm praying for you...be Missingnomer no more....and be VIBRANT!!! (you already are....:)
PS....btw, that above comment wasn't dissing on your name, cause I'm green with envy at the coolness of it....just a figure of speech, Long winded speech that is.... :P
Thanks gals for encouraging little bro. So glad I stumbled upon your blog while procrastinating going to bed haha!! You know I coming from the weird in between place of school and career, and I can say without a doubt that a career isn't an identity worth more than dirt, which is what you wrote and I'm glad to be reminded of it.
ReplyDeleteThough it feels like wandering in the dark, God is working in your life faithfully. He has knit you into His Bride and Church and Kingdom. I await the day you will get to experience the fellowship of that identity in person(because just from these comments I know you are experiencing over the webs).
It's good t o come to God with empty hands and confess our hopelessness, but also remember to hear what He has to say, you are his son "Fear not, little flock, for it is Your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom" Luke 12:32
In that kingdom you are clothed in righteousness and worthy to live with all the blessings of the kingdom, such as community. I'm talking to myself alot haha!
You know I'm heading to Idaho, and lots of my friends have been reminding me to find a church there soon. I'll praying that a community in Carrollton will open up for you.
Love you,
Nathan Hanson
PS that special gal will arrive soon enough, you're not allowed to get ahead of me ;)